A mix of entries from instagram, old online journals and scraps of paper. Aiming to delete all of my social media, however I have over 1000 entries I need to transfer here first. I generally can't keep physical journals and coding is part of why I haven't left the earth yet, so it makes sense to keep it all here. TW: depression, s/h, s//c!dal thoughts and other similar themes are heavily mentioned in my entries, continue at your own risk.
Last updated: 25/11/25, 16:07
First time getting cross faded. Coding this from my phone #bossmode. My stomach is fucked and I'm not sure if it was really worth it. I don't care for alcohol at all, however I do love the way tequila feels. I love the burn in my throat, it's nice and warm. Will probably change my website rating at a later date. I literally never drink but I did today with my boyfriend, his aunt and his friend. I much prefer the feeling of MJ. I was a bit gassed because I beat my record at sudoku drunk and I don't know what that says about me.
A thing I wanted to say is that I'm pretty evil. I hate my mind. I forget I have bpd and then it hits me. I don't even realise when my head is being like that. I can't say too much
I think sometimes it would've been better if I took seroquel. I'm fat anyway so what does it matter. Idek the other side effects, but it's an anti psychotic so it's likely gonna be a lot. I really don't want to muck my life up just my brain can't be stable for longer than 0.2 seconds. Like I'm already a certified loser. I'm a #neet because I don't fw uni and I got bullied at my previous full time job. Every single man that worked there was heavily sexist and I was tired of it. There was one guy in particular that would always take his rage out at women. If there was another guy there you wouldn't hear a peep from him. As soon as it was just women or just me, he'd be overly rude. Management didn't listen to me at all about it and I couldn't avoid him (I'd already been firming it for months and I was so stressed that I didn't want to deal with him anymore). This and being an outsider. Everyone else had a thing, and I was never in it. Idk.
So excited for the fall of capitalism though. Then I can finally stop thinking about killing myself every other day. All I want is a house. That's literally it. I'm not motivated for anything else in life at all because it doesn't matter because I can't afford a house, and likely never will. It pissed me off too, because life was finally good for once. I really enjoyed weightlifting, and then I could no longer afford the gym (no job). I had to use the last of my savings to continue paying my personal trainer because in PT law it declares that all of them must have evil packages that force you to stay for a minimum of 8 weeks on direct debit instead of paying per session but whatever. So I would turn up not completely motivated and he looked at me as if I was an ogre. Like to be fair he's always looked at me like that. No that's not me being paranoid either, like I couldn't do a single push up and he looked at me as if I shot up a school. Trust me I want this to be over as much as you do.
I actually haven't missed my bestie boo insomnia. I guess this is a side effect of getting cross faded? Idk. I love learning about drugs and I actually do want to try Kratom, and maybe if I'm not too scared Salvia. Kratom might not be the move since my grandparents were addicted to opiates too. I would love to try benadryl, but I'm too much of a pussy. I do want to try lean. My biggest thing is sugar, like you know you're cooked if you crave dunkin. (dunkin is shit). I craved dunkin today and got a matcha, blueberry muffin and 2 other breakfast items. I have never regretted anything more in my life. It's been a real indulgent holiday but I miss my protein powder. Had the scrummiest peach iced tea at cracker barrel, boy oh boy.
At the end of the day, I'm in love with Mary Jane, I'm a neet and proud, and honestly I want a baby but I'm likely infertile. And I have a phobia of being pregnant.
I discovered neocities in mid march 2021, and i was in love! My first website was called kaidouswh0re, after Shun Kaidou from Saiki K. The design was basic af. It was pink and had a pochacco png on the index. There was a grey sidebar where mewtwo, squirtle and pikachu lived alongside the navigation links. Those were the days when i didn't even know what the br tag was, and just relied on the gaps that p tags gave, to divide text. I plastered something along the lines of "I've promised myself not to leave this earth until my website is static", and it was everywhere. Every page you clicked on, it would say that in the left hand corner of the screen. Not as anything as a means for concern, but just as a little reminder to me as I was coding. I have struggled with depression since roughly 2018. It got 1000x worse in lockdown. I ended up cutting off 1/3 of my hair and I had begun to s/h. Obviously camhs were taking the piss, and my endless amounts of journals i had kept throughout 2020 and 2021 weren't getting me anywhere. I genuinely thought i had nothing to live for anymore. And then boom, neocities :3
No but seriously, everytime a "bad" thought dared to enter my mind, I'd switch on my sorry excuse for a laptop (which was practically falling apart), and code for as long as my mouse would let me. I poured everything into that crummy website, and I treasured it. Recently my dad told me to stop messing around coding html as it wasn't going to get me anywhere, and told me to delete this website. Luckily he didn't know the name of it so i deleted kaidouswh0re in it's place. RIP kaidouswh0re 2021 - 2022.
Anyways, ever since I started in march 2021, I haven't stopped. This doesn't mean I'm tremendously amazing at it, because I'm not. I just jump on here, put in a few divs and lazily slap on some css and be in my own little happy world. Coding freely like this sparks so much joy for me!! I'm not judged on here. I'm just me. I love seeing other neocities users websites as well, so i can learn from them and potentially improve. I really hope whoever reads this finds as much joy from coding as I do. :)
I was about to play diablo iv and then i was plagued by diarrhoea all bc a b!tch is eating protein. Body is lashing out and having evil food withdrawals. Current goal is to do 10k steps on 8% incline. Got to about 5k at 3.6 which took about 45 mins. The starting point is just incline walking and drinking water. I struggle to sm like i basically waterboard myself. I'm used to like a cup of water daily on average (just water, nothing else). Also calorie deficits are easy bc chicken fajita. I don't leave the house at all so the gym has been fun. Enjoying it at early doors when theres no one there.
I've been okay. Discovered flyleaf and despite not being christian, I really like their stuff. Unsure on how much I've even shared on here at this point. I haven't slept today. No particular reason. Last year I was diagnosed with Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder. Saw a psychotherapist and then left because he was a Freud fanatic and I was over talking about my childhood for the 50th time. I wanted help for the now and the current, I already know why I am the way I am. Mentioning this because I've been okay compared to previous times. Still unstable but less so than usual. Downside of eating properly is gaining weight. Found that I would only feel alive in the gym and just sleep until I went again, because everything is plain. Been lazy and stopped going for a bit and I'm stable again. Today I watched my boyfriend play Lords of the Fallen again when I woke up. It's souls like (really fun games visually). I then crashed and slept. When I woke up I played lego fortnite.
Anyways, I feel like a waste of space. I'm no longer suicidal like I used to be. I want to live. I just don't think life is for me. I could go into that but I can't be arsed. Can't go on antipsychotics yet since they're sedatives, meaning I will become a walking (if that) zombie, which isn't exactly great for uni. I've barely attended uni this year, and part of me wants to fully give up with it. I applied knowing that my final year would all be chosen modules and my previous years would be core, which is different to usual unis which do a mix of both each year. I was looking forward to my final year. They changed it to only one chosen module... the rest are frramed as if they are chosen when in reality the uni picks them according to your specific course route. This and the fact my uni is pretty shit at understanding anything in relation to my needs/accommodations. The only person that got it was my tutor and he was chill with me remote learning. Disability and attendence however were spamming me with emails saying they'd pause my studies. Yes, a little break will cure autism of course.
I feel negatively about jobs too. I worked for 3 years straight, took a few months to get used to uni in my first year and now it's radio silence. The three years suddenly evaporated and no one's hiring. I don't believe I'll be good in corporate or professional jobs, but what the fuck else can I do? Creativity has been battered out of me the same way my emotions were. I don't have motivation, aspirations or dreams. I just exist and that's not good enough for this world.
I don't leave the house really. I'm working on becoming estranged from my family, which makes me happy to think about. "This close" by Flyleaf basically describes this limbo like state I'm in. You don't have to worry about me. I can't kill myself until this website is static, remember?
Another day, no sleep. I think if I'm up this late it's safe to say I'm not gonna sleep today. I only started struggling with insomnia when i started university, and it wasn't that bad. It could be my distain for living, however I've always had that. I guess now I'm just more hopeless. The state of the world and my inability to be a normal person. I'm fine with it, however to thrive I need to work and socialise, and I can't do those things. I've been applying for jobs for a year or so now and still nothing. With how the world works, I'm expected to starve and die because I can't fit in with these norms. I find solace in watching channels like imalittlemole. I would like to make relaxed videos like her, but my own insecurity and paranoia hinders that. My insecurity and identity is something I'd like to work on. I don't know if it's possible for me, but for now I will try. Sadly, I do still want to live despite not having the best experiences. My mental health has always been an issue since I was a kid. Monsters are made. I'm not evil, but I was treated like I was daily to the point I have no sense of self. I think as long as I still have rage in my heart I can continue to live. I get scared of myself when I'm empty, cold and robotic. I used to be like that daily to survive. I think I would end up killing myself on impluse when I'm in that kind of mood. I've been feeling like a child for the past year. I wanted to get better. I couldn't do it. I was thinking helium but even that isn't truly painless. The fact I'm scared of the pain means I'm not too far gone, right?
Ill in america. The food is making me sick. Strawberries aren't even strawberries bro. In other news i have been estranged from my family since mothers day. #blacksheep #sigma
Everything in America is peanuts. I don't want to hear about the cost of living crisis from an american, bc why is the most comfortable pillow my head has ever touched 3 dollars (like Β£2.20)? Why are poor peoples houses like mansions? Even trailers are fucking spacious. Maybe im being dumb but i understand why everyone over here is madly patriotic bc i would be too if i had a fucking front porch. The space here is ridiculous. Tf you mean average rent for a 4 bed house in the countryside is 900 dollars (even in the country in the uk its 900 for a room in a room share only available for working professionals). England is just so cooked. Yeah healthcare here is cooked but at least i can own something and live?? I have discovered i belong to the midwest countryside. Food isn't a problem like just dont eat shit. I can survive on smoothies. Vegetables taste the same.
Something awakened in me and now i must buy baby lips again 10 years later.
1 week until i have 0 parents yay! My mum is the final boss of master manipulators bc she sent me dumb voice messages showing she doesn't listen to me and can't comprehend texts so i sent a vm crashing out and she deleted her original ones and now i look like the villain π picking my stuff up next week (it will likely be broken but we move). Yeah im anxious but christ have i been waiting for this moment. Growing up is realising i only went insane as a teenager bc of my environment and if i had a mum that listened, it wouldn't have gotten all that bad.
I am bidding for a house. I am also gambling for a house. In the house lottery. Oh, to live in a house. No rent. A house with a kitchen! Oh, to decorate the rooms and find joy in owning a house. Home. For now I work and dream. Is two jobs sustainable? Only time will tell. I check rightmove and zoopla daily. In the 2000s the house prices were peanuts. 30 to 70k ish is now 250k run down and shitty, and this is london and surrounding areas. Also sick of seeing "im employed what does this mean" under every post ever. Get a brain. Use your fingers and find out. I am employed and also well versed in niche internet humour. Do better.
1. Love pink card readers, i feel so cheeky, me and my homies hate zone 1
2. Love overground trains. When they bother to show up its bliss. Lovely and air conditioned.
3. Clapham junction is very gentrified. A third of Australia lives there.
4. Been put on a close shift, but my work doesn't train me, so idk what I'm doing. Will be closing an hour before like my previous jobs, and if they have beef with me, then idk, train me?
5. Wearing crocs on the tube isn't for the weak. I need them for work otherwise I want to chop my feet off.
6. Observed more of the "men don't respect women they don't find attractive" at work. Like we knew this in school and college, but come on now. Just grow up tf? Genuinely have coworkers that treat me like scum and won't talk to me but then will talk to others around me who are also women and also new. The women at my work are chill af though, just not the men.
Work is pretty fun. All of the station workers know me and come up to talk. Today, whilst i was closing, a guy from the station was just showing me his bag, which turns into a chair from tiktok shop. Since I've been working 40 hours, I am actually bored of my music (i now listen to music like 50 hours weekly). Been killing wasps too bc customers are pussies and can't handle wasps outside. They just eat the icing on the cinnamon buns. I feel bad for killing them but if i hear one more pussy ass bitch say wasps are gross or some sort of comment i actually dont care to hear, i will end up killing them instead. 9/10 customers are so dense and horrible.
Still overstimulated from that perfume. Was feeling lightheaded and angry. Ate food, now i feel sick in my stomach. I feel nauseous in my head. I scrubbed it off with some wipes i just got from superdrug.
I've been stressing over money and PHP. Turns out PHP wasn't all that bad. I was planning on migrating to Wordpress however that shit is like Β£240 yearly and then some for a domain. I applied at the mf fanlistings network to make a Levi Ryan fanlisting, however that is seeming very unlikely now because of the evil pricing. I feel like I'm being really dense too. Anyways... someone message me when another Levi Ryan fanlisting drops. Will likely turn my current template into a shrine, because I do have a massive obsession with him and his music.
In other news, I got rid of Spotify and switched to mp3 files. It's decent. Kind of tired of bullshit subscriptions, so I'm happy about it.
First time getting cross faded. Coding this from my phone #bossmode. My stomach is fucked and I'm not sure if it was really worth it. I don't care for alcohol at all, however I do love the way tequila feels. I love the burn in my throat, it's nice and warm. Will probably change my website rating at a later date. I literally never drink but I did today with my boyfriend, his aunt and his friend. I much prefer the feeling of MJ. I was a bit gassed because I beat my record at sudoku drunk and I don't know what that says about me.
A thing I wanted to say is that I'm pretty evil. I hate my mind. I forget I have bpd and then it hits me. I don't even realise when my head is being like that. I can't say too much
I think sometimes it would've been better if I took seroquel. I'm fat anyway so what does it matter. Idek the other side effects, but it's an anti psychotic so it's likely gonna be a lot. I really don't want to muck my life up just my brain can't be stable for longer than 0.2 seconds. Like I'm already a certified loser. I'm a #neet because I don't fw uni and I got bullied at my previous full time job. Every single man that worked there was heavily sexist and I was tired of it. There was one guy in particular that would always take his rage out at women. If there was another guy there you wouldn't hear a peep from him. As soon as it was just women or just me, he'd be overly rude. Management didn't listen to me at all about it and I couldn't avoid him (I'd already been firming it for months and I was so stressed that I didn't want to deal with him anymore). This and being an outsider. Everyone else had a thing, and I was never in it. Idk.
So excited for the fall of capitalism though. Then I can finally stop thinking about killing myself every other day. All I want is a house. That's literally it. I'm not motivated for anything else in life at all because it doesn't matter because I can't afford a house, and likely never will. It pissed me off too, because life was finally good for once. I really enjoyed weightlifting, and then I could no longer afford the gym (no job). I had to use the last of my savings to continue paying my personal trainer because in PT law it declares that all of them must have evil packages that force you to stay for a minimum of 8 weeks on direct debit instead of paying per session but whatever. So I would turn up not completely motivated and he looked at me as if I was an ogre. Like to be fair he's always looked at me like that. No that's not me being paranoid either, like I couldn't do a single push up and he looked at me as if I shot up a school. Trust me I want this to be over as much as you do.
I actually haven't missed my bestie boo insomnia. I guess this is a side effect of getting cross faded? Idk. I love learning about drugs and I actually do want to try Kratom, and maybe if I'm not too scared Salvia. Kratom might not be the move since my grandparents were addicted to opiates too. I would love to try benadryl, but I'm too much of a pussy. I do want to try lean. My biggest thing is sugar, like you know you're cooked if you crave dunkin. (dunkin is shit). I craved dunkin today and got a matcha, blueberry muffin and 2 other breakfast items. I have never regretted anything more in my life. It's been a real indulgent holiday but I miss my protein powder. Had the scrummiest peach iced tea at cracker barrel, boy oh boy.
At the end of the day, I'm in love with Mary Jane, I'm a neet and proud, and honestly I want a baby but I'm likely infertile. And I have a phobia of being pregnant.
I've found someone like me I think, I'm unsure if he's genuine. He calms me and he actually understands my brain. My mood changes very fast, dramatically, and he's still here and willing despite this. I can't remember a lot, my perception of time is skewed (a week feels like a month to me) and i lack emotional permanence. I showed him the 11 page report I wrote for the GP as evidence as to why i think i could be autistic or have bpd (both have high symptom overlap), it includes my mental health history since i was 7 and also my symptoms that align with both. He has sped up my self analysis. He's seeing things I couldn't find and I probably wouldn't have ever found. He said I'm reactions based rather than feelings based. I do things for a reaction, and when I don't get the expected reaction back, I feel unsafe. I can't really explain it further than that. My head feels so foggy constantly, I never feel like me. Sometimes I can wake up fine and other times i can wake up cold or explosive. I feel like I have no control. He says I could have adhd or bipolar. He said I should tell everything to the GP.
My ex emotionally cheated on me. I was replaced by someone else and he demoted me to less than. Before he spent all of his time with me, and then as soon as he started uni, he was doing things I begged for with him with her instead. Whenever I wanted support from him I didn't get it. This has happened to me before. He didnt respect my needs, values, boundaries etc. It's whatever anyways. I was going to be spiteful and sign him up for scientology and other things like that. Instead I just told him I didn't love him and emotionally cheated back. That was nice. It confirmed my suspicions when they both unfollowed me at the same time.
It feels weird now that I've met someone like me. It makes me realise that no one truly liked me enough to even understand me, it was all surface level and transactional. They liked my body, or they liked the idea of me, but when I actually showed up, they didn't like that. He's making us just be friends for now. He doesn't believe I can be stable and rational. Even in my emotional instability, I'm always stable. I can always lock in, and I'm aware of myself. He helped me extend my 11 page document. I asked my ex to read it when we were together and I was anxious and stressed about it but he didn't want to. And yet a stranger from hinge would.
He wants me to be my own person in the relationship, that's why he won't date me. He doesn't want me to be a carbon copy of him. No one has wanted that from me before. No one has wanted to help me work on myself. I've tried pushing him away and I even blocked him, but he is okay with it. I haven't left my bed today. I called him from 1am - 6am, and woke up at 1pm. On new years he didn't want me to be alone so he called me. I never thought I would like an american lmao. He's coming back to the UK soon which is nice.
Im so s3x repulsed rn i h4t3 when people are s3xu4l with me my superpower is ignoring it. Also its only just clicked in my head that eli and i were so different actually. His hinge profile is i like drinking and the smiths and mine is i want communication and respect. I think hes only built for short term stuff really and i hope he gets that. Because as soon as long term problems came up he just became avoidant. Its making me realise however how much of a waste dating apps are. Everyone is "figuring out their dating goals" and looking for "casual". I'm not your test run or your trial period. I'm going to delete them and block everyone soon. Literally no one on these apps are like me. Adios.
It's been weird. I've been okay, and just that. I haven't really been present at all. It feels like I only come into consciousness every now and then. My mood is uncontrollable completely now. I hope to see a psychiatrist about it soon, to finally end this uncertainty. I was put on a 2.5 year waiting list for autism, and I've now switched providers to hopefully be seen sooner. I for the most part have been feeling like a shell of my former self. Right now however I feel happy so I don't really know how bad it was. I know everyone exists, however when I'm not here I can't. I don't really think anything. I always get scared when I'm happy and I have clarity and a grip on reality. It's very shortlived. I wanted to physically rip my skin off and leave my body. I have felt that before, and remembered upon feeling it again. It's nostalgic and scary. Is it bad to miss when I used to be delusional and see things? It made me happy, I believed in angels, I saw orbs of light. Now I'm not concious most of the time, it's really sad. I mean that in the sense that I'm mentally fading, I'm not present or in control most days. I can only write and convey these things in this state. It makes me cry. I wonder what has happened for me to be this way. I am scared of switching states and forgetting the clarity I feel when I'm here. My head is clear now but I know soon it won't be.
I showered for the first time in ages. I live with the american guy I mentioned before, he doesn't like it when I don't shower. He is nice to me. He sees everything so I hope that he is allowed to come with me to the psychiatrist to tell them anything I forgot. We play games together. I've been writing an essay on Marx in his bed for most of the day. He makes me eat fruit because he knows I would just live off of toast and butter. We butt heads a lot, which I've never experienced before when dating someone. I find him really annoying. He got me a doll for being one month s/h free. We are watching episode 4 of fallout so I have to go now!
I feel frustrated and tired with life itself. I am having previous years repeat in the sense that I feel like I'm crazy and alone. Getting help has been really slow, and it's annoying because there's an array of things it could be (due to symptom overlap) like autism, adhd, bpd, depression etc. My environment isn't helpful either. I had three options: move home and endure mental/emotional abuse, stay at my uni accommodation for another year (unlikely to be let back as I'm no longer a first year), or move in with someone I was originally unsure about. I did the third one. Moving home meant I was going to have to send all of my paychecks to my mum, and work a job I'd be unhappy in. I have struggled with working ever since I started due to the social aspect. It always took a toll on me. Mum isn't the most stable either. It feels like all options I had will lead to me "noping out" eventually. It sucks because I couldn't imagine myself living past 18 for the longest time. Now I'm 19, turning 20 this year, and to comfort myself I have convinced myself that the world will end in 2028. Again, I'm having to rely on coding as a crutch to not commit ..., just like how it was when I started my first website in 2021. It really sucks. My year long hiatus was because for the most part I was happy. I feel myself truly getting bad, potentially slipping back to SH. Whenever I'm sad now, I smoke. I like the feeling of it. I'm always preferred and more palatable when I'm happy. I'm not control of my mood or mind at all anymore. I don't trust my own mind. I moved in with someone I met on hinge. He is nice and he is like me in the sense he is also not normal. I already know I don't truly love people and I'm not sure if he is the same. He is best described as like Tony from skins (S1) without the cheating, which we both agreed upon. I just get annoyed because it feels as if i'm being gaslit. I can't even remember a specific example because my mind is so fucked. I can never tell if I'm genuinely daft and misremembering or if he is using my mind to his advantage and gaslighting me, or at least trying to. Anyways, I have nothing else at all, just him. I don't know if 2021 me would be happy or disheartened. I waited for so long to get help. I bit my tongue growing up and now it feels as if I could explode. I haven't been alone in three months, and now I am for two weeks whilst he is with family in America. I feel really alone and depressed and I know this is also my fault. I've finally gotten what I've always wanted: a boyfriend and best friend. However, I know my emotions and self are heavily dependant on him. I'll never tell him this. I already told him I could have autism or BPD and he knows what that could entail. I genuinely never try to burden anyone, hence I turn to this void. I'm unsure if anyone reads these, and I'm okay with that. Anyways, I have lots of entries to transfer here. I've been barely sleeping since the day he left. I'll be using that extra time to code lots and lots!
15:56I can't stop crying. I want to h4rm myself and I will. I will however also live by the I can't leave earth until my website is static jig. I would love to say that things get better as you age, and maybe they will for you. However I am feeling the exact pain I've felt many times before. I've been trying to tell myself that it gets better, and it does momentarily. And then for whatever reasons life decides to pull everything out from under my feet. I should be okay.
My boyfriend threw up this morning and, despite me not coming into contact with it whatsoever, I still felt dirty and viewed him as dirty. It's taken about 9 hours for me to feel okay again. I washed my hands multiple times and rubbed my feet and hands with anti bacterial wipes, but it still wouldn't go away. I wanted to chop my hands off as if they were infected. They didn't feel like mine and the smell of sick lingered on them (I never touched the sick). My boyfriend couldn't touch me without me feeling disgusted or crying. He's convinced I'm a hypochondriac, as his mother is too. I'm unsure. I realise my thoughts are irrational, like how I'm reluctant to eat something I have put back in the fridge after opening it or that I won't eat fruit that is bruised. I don't think these are too bad.
Anyways, I supplied my boyfriend with the BRAT diet (it really is a brat summer). Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast harden stool and are less likely to further upset a stomach. I love love love apple puree pouches (I live off of them). I didn't have enough money to get any for me. I want my own place but I don't have enough money or the drive to work again. I've been working since I was 16 and stopped when I was 19 and a bit. I've been looking for jobs but everything feels so dystopian. You can rinse indeed dry applying to everything and anything, but only hear back from a few out of dozens. I applied for a zero hour contract sunday job, and I know for a fact I'm qualified as I've worked the same job for 3 years. Then I don't want to do it anyways, I hate socialising, but to get anything I want I basically have to.
I find everything so boring. Social media is boring. I deleted tiktok and I'm in the process of deleting instagram. I've been trying to watch more youtube videos, however the videos that are recommended to me are either brainrot or some stupid video essay. The last video I saw that I loved was by Marcika tiltled how i quit spotify with an mp3 player. People complain about Gen Alpha being "cooked" due to "brainrot", but a lot of what is available for us is the same. I was thinking of being a streamer for money, even though I haven't watched any streamers and don't really have anything to contribute. I've become completely socially inept. I don't go outside. My boyfriend thinks I'll become like Sheila Jackson from shameless when I'm older. I'd like to be in all honesty. Nothing interests me and I hate having to socialise with people. He made me order for us at subway the other day and I failed. I only go food shopping when they first open from 6am to 8am to avoid people. I would like to be a youtuber maybe, however I only want to use a 2000s camcorder to record my videos. No clickbait thumbnails or crazy editing (like attention grabbing cuts every 2.5 seconds). I wouldn't have a specific genre. I think if anything I would talk about my own mental health and about autism. I was recently diagnosed. My whole life and self made sense after considering the possibility in late 2023.
Ok so work rant, I've been ill (sore throat, chills, headache, feeling weak etc.) since wednesday, phoned up on thursday and the shift manager said she couldn't recognise me because my voice was so bad. Got a text from the cafe manager asking me to work friday instead - obviously i couldn't. Called up sick yesterday, she sent me multiple texts saying how she needs me and how they're struggling. I didn't open them i just ignored them because I'm ill and she's not a charity case. Middle aged mf trying to guilt trip an 18 year old fr. Like she was begging me. Yes i am now suddenly cured of everything and i will come to work ππ½ββοΈπ€―ππ―π Anyways called today and i was calling for a whole hour before someone picked up and had the audacity to say call earlier next time .Mf i was calling for a whole hour and no one picked up. I did not mention that though bc I'm so done. So excited to hand in notice next saturday #resignationcore Ok but how tf have i been there for over a year that's dedication but in the wrong way
08/01/23 - instagram
Have not slept bc i am stressed from work so my mum is letting me quit. I'm not someone that gets sleep problems and i generally can fall asleep in 2 - 5 minutes. I went to bed at 8, woke up at 10 and i just haven't slept since (writing this at 5:55am :P). Yesterday I had to sort out some sh!t that my manager neglected (the cake freezer was broken and apparently she knew but "forgot") so i spent an hour or so clearing it out and trying to save as much as i could. Come back and the new girl hasn't helped at all there's dishes to be taken from tables and whatever else. She was probably kissing another coworker but we don't talk about that. Anyways spent half of the close sorting out the freezer and the other half picking up the new girls mess. Then i stayed for another half an hour to actually start my close which i didn't finish. I'm not even angry about any of this though. I was when i finished work hence i went to bed at 8 but now idc. Cried a bit at 3am bc i wanted to just go to bed but i couldn't and then my mum got home at 4 so we watched modern family until 5:30. She said i could hand in my notice. Idky i haven't written it. Idky I'm hesitating bc this is what I've wanted for months. At 11pm yesterday i applied for jobs but it's mainly just care assistant jobs that are available :/ And the thing is yesterday was stressful but that's how it always is. I assume i couldn't sleep bc i knew in the back of my head that i didn't have the option to leave and that's stressful. I feel better now that my mum said i can but idky I'm still not asleep
Told my dad about me quitting work yesterday and he said no and then i became stressed again. Then i get a dream about crows chasing me, attacking me and biting me. Not the worst dream I've had. But crows??? Mf death card crows. That makes me happy in a way. 1) love crows 2) the reason i told my dad was bc he sent me an audio book about change and then i was like aha this is a sign to quit my job and then he obviously didn't think so 3) yesterday was 11/1 and i kept seeing 1111 so yeah i am quitting my job 4) cried myself to sleep because i was stressed at the thought of having to stay at my work 5) i know that I'll get another job as soon as i quit i can feel it 6) also did a calculation of if i added up the next 2 paychecks of mine (jan and feb) and it would be roughly 800. And divide that by 36 (roughly how many weeks left until September when i get the loan) and it's 22.2222222... magical fr. Also when i only slept for a bit at the weekend i had another "powerless" dream where my purse was stolen by evil superdrug workers who ended up fighting us (us being me and a few dream npcs). Yesterday i woke up and my dog was in my room but ik it wasn't by choice because the door was completely shut and he can't open and close doors. Now my mum is here like i woke up and heard her chattering her teeth. Idk what makes my bed/room special to them but oh well.
It's hard i know I'm becoming consumed again. In more ways than one. I'm forgetting myself. I know I'm obsessing over him. I think I've been ok so far like i haven't gone 100%. I don't want to push him away by being at 100%. I don't get why I'm being like this. I'm dating someone that is actually really good for me and I'm still insecure in a way. I think obsession is an insecurity. It's definitely not love. I love him and i don't want to be obsessed with him.
Newest realisation is that i don't love myself and yeah sure it's fine saying that i do to myself it's helped a lot but in reality i don't show myself that i do. I neglect my body a lot and it's been a while. S/h yesterday and i feel sad but happy. Relieved even. Still sad. I know that when i do that to myself I'm doing it to her my child like self. She doesn't deserve it. I do. It felt good i just feel guilty. I'm not sure why that is. I feel like I've let people down by doing so but now i feel a bit more deeply than before.
I don't want to go back there. I can literally feel myself slipping. I was going to go to sleep at 6 but for that reason i didn't. I haven't done anything bad yet but my mind won't stop. I don't want to go but it's all I've been thinking about.
Yes i do h4te college wishing i didn't come in today. 1) its so cold 2) h4te everyone here 3) could be sleeping or dΓΏing in the woods or something productive like that
Love the universe met a neighbour who used to do nursing at the university I want to go to. i gave her my number she also has a daughter who is going to my college this year and taking economics. Very divine exchange of info. I'm showing her daughter how to get to college since they're not from here and my neighbour has been telling me about uni and said she'd pick me up on her way back from work on a friday and drop me home if I was homesick. I love the universe. I saw 555 literally as soon as i checked my phone afterwards. I love the universe for confirming my path.
30/01/23 - instagram
Saw the woman again!! I think she might be my angel or sent by angels, at least. I wrote an entry, i was bad it was really bad and i was scared I'd do something a lot worse. But i walked the dog and i bumped into her and its not bad anymore.
Freud explain this one π€¨ welcome back to dreams that should be traumatising (most of my dreams are). Today's dream started off with me coming down some high long steps into what is meant to be london but skewed. I was wearing my grey pyjama hoodie thing (like the pink one nadine has) and i had my puffer jacket over it. I think i was trying to be disguised as a man and it worked bc a gang of men came up to me wanting to fight (bc I'm a man duh) but then pulled my hood down realised i was a woman and started beating me up and tried to force himself on me whilst the others watched. I was trying to call my dad to come and help me but i couldn't do it in time (then i had a mental dream rant as to why the emergency settings on phones actually aren't that helpful in reality) and luckily noah drove to me and helped me (but this is him grown up i think even though I'm the same age as i am now). Ik there was more to the dream but i can't remember it other than i had walked up the big steps during the day and when i had left it was the late evening.
Loved last nights dream. Dreamt of having a "carpet snake" but it looked like a honduran milk snake. It was tiny and harmless, it was my pet and i loved it. I fed it carpet chunks snd and apparently it was vegan in the dream
I want to scream and cry. I might be being childish or something idk but i feel weird in my body and restricted by it. My feelings are too overwhelming for it I'm going to explode. I want to melt into him. But i don't think he relates. I want my skin to melt into his and i become a part of him and I've felt this before. Am i being odd or like do you guys get what i mean?
Feet hurt so bad omg like i had only been unemployed for like a month or so wtf happened?? My feet are acting as if I've never stood in my life ugh
Choking on tears screaming internally h4t3 these thoughts ik I'm being mentally toxic i wanted to instigate an argument for no reason because absolutely nothing in my life could be just fine or perfect i have to mess it up and drive everyone out. I've been lying as well and i want to tell the truth but i don't want him to leave screaming and shaking fml. I want all of his attention all of the time it's so bad i know it's bad. And i made myself spiral for the tiniest silliest reason. It wouldn't be like this if i was a normal person that just communicated sh!Ε₯ as and when rather than lying and bottling it up, or just not saying what i want.
26/03/23 - instagram
Me without whatever this is would've been so unstoppable we were so smart and promising as a kid, even gcse s//c!dal me was doing good and i just feel a bit :| now
26/03/23 - instagram
The chorus of I know by kanii and pr1svx is so me after i lovebomb, then become obsessive, detached, filled with rage, and yearning. Me when i literally scream and cry over the smallest things and my whole mental state can change over something someone didn't even mean to do. Me when i create a masterpiece on my legs and then pass out. It's so me when i was born.
11:11 rn needing a big sh!t in aldi car park putting my mum and nan on some real sh!t (arca) nrs
I will forever promote caroline polachek desire i want to turn into you because i love it so much. Yes it's giving anxious attachment, yes it's giving biblical allusions and cryptic messages, yes it's giving being absolutely delusional. Go listen to blood and butter, billions, sunset etc. Literally listen to the whole album (you can skip hopedrunk everlasting and butterfly net bc they're not my faves rn). Was crying bc overwhelmed. Depression side of me wants to sleep everyday at 7pm again and me side of me wants to be normal. I won today bc I'm awake rn but she (depression) made my whole day sh!t and then i cried for an hour. But it's ok bc i listened to caroline polacheks album desire i want to turn into you on repeat.
So excited for uni maybe I'm overreacting but I'm so excited to be in my own space untouched rather than coming home after a week and playing spot the difference. Literally when i go for a few days i come back and it's basically not my room anymore. I made sure to tidy before i left and now i have to do it again. Maybe I'm getting p!ss3d over nothing or maybe it's over a decade of small aggressions I've ignored accumulating and I'm going to explode.
Guys I'm sat outside of work the fear is eating me playing my silly songs really wish you could have headphones at work that would make all of this ok. I am begging that it is quiet (unlikely). Idk when to go in or where the staff room is even. What if i need a nervous poop what then? It's ok if i don't like it I'll just quit and become a full time ebay girly. Going in at 9:57 because no way am i going to be earlier and then do more work?! I will take my 6 hours no more and no less.
I actually feel so stressed and i want to kay em ess but we move. Shift over and i really want to hand notice in / not show up (idk if i can just not show up). Management is also bad here i guarantee my 5 year old brother can do a better job. Everyone keeps saying give it time but I'm not that bothered about money i think. The stress incurred outweighs my need for money. Cried for a bit. Don't really have the energy to get up and make dinner so i probably won't. Newjeans ditto is so good. I dislike zero because it is brainwashing me to like coca cola (i dislike fizzy drinks). I keep listening to it and subconsciously i am liking the idea of coke.
Revising in caffe nero with the squad but they don't know that i keep farting (im lactose intolerant). I have been farting on the bus too i am blessed to have noiseless farts.
I don't get how to show myself that I love myself its been a few years and i thought id get it by now. Im ok but im just wondering what people mean by that. I've been told it by multiple people too but they never expand on it. I want to but im not sure how
Pov jeans ripped again as you were tying up your shoes to get the bus and you couldn't get the next bus otherwise you'd be late so you bought the needle and thread with you to work and spent 18 ish minutes squatting on top of your shoes (bc toilet floor is gross) sewing your jeans in the staff toilets so that customers aren't seeing your inner thigh. Anyways i took free eco friendly pads from the staff toilets so I'm still winning here.
I want to kay em ess bc why tf am i suffering with lethargy now?? Of all days?????? I struggled to leave the house, my body feels heavy as shit. I feel so emotionless. I basically have most of these symptoms. If this is depression i will literally scream. And its my favourite test today as well. Love a bit of macroeconomics
My dad leaving is just a canon event. Not having a dad is enlightening. I am still slightly pissed/stressed from it but honestly what did he give me other than hypocritical waffle for the past 18 years?
Literally me because im just a puppy on her period and i just want to move into the small room but i cant bc it keeps getting delayed and it makes me want to rip my skin off
I feel so angry and so sick my body is filled with rage. I want to scream. This is why you don't bottle up your emotions kids
I don't want to be like my mum or my dad. They both made me walk on eggshells as a kid. Mum would explode at me and then downplay how bad it was and my emotional response which was to shut down. Dad had left me before because i said something he didn't like when i was younger. He left his mum and left my brother when he was 7/8. I felt like an adult as a kid and i was raising child parents. I said to my mum as a kid that she used me as an emotional punching bag and she laughed it off. I bring these up because i know I'm like them. I've left multiple friends without explanation just like dad does and i don't want to be like mum emotion wise. I don't blame her for it she was a young mum having to work and raise a kid all because my dad liked partying and str!p clubs over looking after me. He used to dump me on my uncle who was basically my dad as a kid because he didn't want to look after me. He also didn't pay child support.
My mind feels really faulty atm i don't trust it whatsoever. I was kind of pissed earlier, and he said its not that deep and my mind went crazy. Lately it's been so horrible. I do believe its been passed down bc ik my dad was an overthinker and potentially had depression (just from stories hes shared). I don't want to think irrationally and i don't want it to ruin things or sway the way i treat people. Its annoying bc i had some clarity or something for the past few months where my mind was clear and i was pretty positive but lately its been bleh. I knew it was coming. I just want to get out of it asap bc i don't want to be back there. I just don't feel real rn idky my body feels so heavy but i feel stuck in it like im not meant to be in it. Its very uncomfy i don't want to shut down.
Unrelated to the mind stuff, i just want to be married idgaf like i don't want to be a single parent i hate it i think i would be in unhappy marriage just to not be alone. And i don't really like kids all that much like i do but i don't. They are ok in doses but idk if I'd be a good parent and end up just getting stressed like mum
My dad is at my house and eli is there and i imagine that is awkward. I'm doing my silly barista simulator and then i go on break to learn this. Basically i need to form my argument in my head before i see him. The argument: you were angry at me for missing a call from you and then proceeded to not answer calls, reply dry and take away the car and keys. I heard it from mum as to why you went MIA and my own dad couldn't say to his daughter that he was hurt, convey his emotions and have an actual conversation about it. He left around exam time too so no offence if i just didn't gaf bc why am i babying my own dad because he's not emotionally mature enough, I was doing a levels! Update: we didn't talk nothing changed and idrc and i think mum and eli might want me to care a bit more but idk i dont
My biggest flex atm is being on levi ryan's last.fm as his 3rd most scrobbled scrobbler. I love my little underground american boy. I desperately need to keep listening to his songs because if he blows up i will be flexing and gloating so hard. I will literally gatekeep so hard idc. The world needs to know that i liked him before he was popular. He needs to be my top on spotify wrapped so i can tag him and then he'll realise im his no.1 fan and he'll come to the UK so that i can see him live and get vip access and a signature and an operation wondering soul tshirt bc i missed the drop and wasn't willing to pay shipping.
Dream log time. I was in a car park in a van eating junk with strangers but they were meant to be family. Wemt to find a recycle bin and there were 2 girls kept talking to me and following me, i ended up in their van and i discovered that they were trying to kidnap me and harvest me. Majority of the dream was me trying to run away. But no matter how much i ran another obsticle appeared. First i thought i was outside but it turns out i was in an outdoor facility for harvesting, and then i went inside and was exposed to some chemical that reacted to your skin as air hit it, then i tried to go on the outside around the walls but it was steep and covered in trees. I got round but was found and followed by one of the chasers and the wall ended up leading back into the outdoor part of the facility. I was then found by the main chaser and she got a guy blindfolded to try and shoot me. When he kept missing she took it off and he kept trying to shoot me. He shot me in the left arm. The bullets were tiny plastic balls. I ran backwards away from him. The main chaser started sprinting towards me with an American football suit on and tried to tackle me. When i was caught i woke up. Before this i also had a dream i had to make white garments for my siblings (dream npcs) bc it was our mums funeral but i only made 1 and no one appreciated it.
These are unsorted I will categorise these later !!
- My boyfriend doesn't deserve it
- My cat will wonder where I went
For the majority of my life I wondered what was wrong with me. Everyone around me treated me as if I was wrong, so I strived to fix myself and become perfect. The thing is that I was never broken. I was just undiagnosed autistic. I grew up with parents that didn't actually love me, people I thought were friends who were just laughing at me, and people I wanted to love me but never wanted me. I haven't actually recieved love until recently. It saddens me that the way my parents treated me lead me to develop a personality disorder. Essentially, I was emotionally neglected by both of them. My mother is a scatty, volatile narcissist, and my father was an enabler to her behaviour and was also likely a narcissist (both tick the criteria for npd). I wasn't allowed to feel emotions and had to remain plain and robotic, whilst they could throw tantrums. When my brother was born, I was no longer a child, but instead a maid, babysitter and second mother. Other questionable family members tried to snap sense into my mum for her treatment towards me, which was saying a lot since they weren't angels themselves. I didn't have autonomy. I learned to memorise the placement of things in my room, since my mum would come in and rearrange things. She would remove objects and put new things in. She'd give things away without my knowledge. I lost my teenage years to depression, which transformed into bouts of psychosis from when I was about 16 onwards. I have a lot of anger towards people that claimed to be my friend during this period and yet didn't attempt to help me out. They knew too. I was seeing shit and I was consumed by seeing patterns and signs in things that aren't there. Whatever. She was always emotionally volatile too. I have told my boyfriend everything. Last time I saw her (she had been blowing up my phone wanting to see me) so we met at a train station. I called her and asked if she could drive to the other side of the station since we had a lot of luggage and the lifts in the station were broken, meaning it would take a while for us to go to the other side. She blew up at me and cursed me out... because I was on the wrong side of the train station (accidently)??? I ended up crying. I avoid her like the plague. Any time I go back home, I see black silhouttes and shadows. My father would tell me as a young child that my mum was a narcissist and yet left me in that environment. I have less to say about him since these kind of contradictions happened a lot.
My mood is unstable daily. This was more self contained in the past, however since I was emotionally cheated on in 2023, it's all been outward. I notice the emptiness too. I always did, but for moments I could become so absorbed with someone else that it would be temporarily filled. I haven't been obsessed with my current boyfriend, since we started dating post spiral. I have enjoyed this. I'm not consumed as much, but I still feel like I would kill myself if he left. I'm very dependent on him. We live together and he's always helping me. I even told him to apply for carer's allowance, because of how much he has to deal with. He's the only person that has healed my wounds and cared about my self harm. He sterilised my wounds for me and bandaged me up. I still struggle with being a seperate entity. Most of the time, when he is doing something by himself, I just sleep until he's back.
