just another online journal


tw: s/h

It's been ages since I've coded, which is a good thing because I tend to do so when I'm not feeling right. I am okay. I had an off day today, and whenever I'm stressed my mind automatically goes to s/h. I haven't done it yet, and I don't really want to. I don't want this to get depressive either. I've decluttered a lot from my room and I'm planning on doing swedish de4th cleaning to speed up the process.

I'm now 18. That happened. I thought I wouldn't get to this age, but here I am. I don't really have much to say at the moment. I might start frequently coding again. Maybe.

feeling unseen (vent)

tw: sadness? idk, but I had to put this here just in case, as I tend to get quite depressive in my vents

I want to meet more people like me, as narcissistic as that sounds. I don't relate to anyone, and it's pretty tiresome. I thrived for 5/6 years as the extroverted, loud and funny friend, but now I'm not. I'll admit I'm not as social as I used to be, but I know I haven't got less funny. The jokes aren't hitting the same. Maybe it's the fact I matured at a young age and now I'm having a sort of backwards growth, everyone around me is becoming more serious whilst I still find childish things funny.

All I want is to find my people, people that get me. I used to want to chase the idea of being loved, and the idea of a singular soulmate, but that's way too basic. I don't need to be loved by someone else, I guess now I just want to feel seen. I feel so isolated even when I'm with people, and I'm losing the energy to speak to them, because it's obvious that we don't relate to each other at all. I used to be fine with that. I never cared because as long as I made them laugh it was okay. It brought us together, despite our differences.

I don't think it's possible for me to physically isolate myself as I've done multiple times before, because I'd only feel more lonely. Maybe I am an extrovert to an extent. Whenever I try to be, I burn out. Whenever I used to try to take care of myself and become more intoverted, I constantly hoped that someone else would take the burden off of me and love me instead. Now, I just want to be recognised, validated even. Thinking about it makes me want to cry and scream.

But as I've said before, this is all a selfish narcissistic request, because I have no intention to reciprocate. I've dealt with so many other people constantly taking my time, energy and love, that I want to make a selfish request like this. Is it too much to be the one that is persued? The first choice? I don't mean this in a romantic context either, I've already killed the hopeless romantic that was in me.

Writing like this is making me happy, despite having a tear dampened face. It reminds me of my previous website's journal section. I should rename this as a journal, because that's what it basically is. No structure or point to my vents and rants, just vibes. I also assume it's what people looked at the most. Another human's emotions, thoughts and patterns scattered and displayed in a body of text. I don't think I genuinely enjoy coding, but more of the fact I can write down my thoughts like this. I've never really been able to keep a journal all that well, and I know that only sad thoughts like these would adorn the pages, so why bother. At least here I can whack random ass graphics here and call it mine.


recovering from depression

Tw: mentions of s//c!de

Self-discipline is the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses, according to the oxford dictionary. I am a master of procrastination and my most used phrase is "tomorrow".

I've grown up not really needing it, I do what I want whenever I want. It doesn't help that I go through depressive slumps either. I'm okay now, but I guess everything I've been doing during these on and off slumps have become habits. I can't keep my room clean and I'm not very good at taking care of myself. I neglect myself a lot, only getting ready when I have to go somewhere. It takes me months to pluck up the courage to book doctor's appointments. I've gotten a lot better with dealing with negative thoughts about myself, but I guess how I feel about myself isn't being reflected into my daily life. I would also like to have goals, as I don't think I've had any for years.

I used to find it hard to make it to the end of the day. I constantly struggled with bad thoughts. As much as I'd like to set goals, I find it hard to think further than a month in the future. I impulsively spend money and make unneeded risks. There's still so much that I need to improve on, but I'm happy with my progress. What helped me do this was investing time in my hobbies. I started coding, as well as starting an online journal (that sadly went with my old website), where I listed small things that made my day, vented my feelings and ranted about my favourite things. I'm ashamed to say that I treated the journal almost as a friend, as I have none that I can openly talk to like that. It's what worked for me, and made me feel slightly happier than when I started. I also restarted my plushie collection, started doing spell work, improved my tarot interpretations and watched anime, all things that I enjoy.

I've been thinking about who I am, and I'm happy because I'm getting a better idea of myself now. Finding out about myself, the good and the bad parts, has made me happier to be me. I love my body now, I'm really pretty. I'm still not used to not dressing in baggy ill fitting clothes, but we're doing baby steps.

Now here's the part I wanted to note down. The only time I've truly set my mind to something, was on here. When I wrote out my promise on here, I stuck to it. I forced myself to be better and to live. Maybe that's just my way of escaping the possibility that I didn't truly want to leave, and it was something to cling on to, if that makes any sense. Regardless, I'm trying again. Here's a few of my goals I'm working towards:

1) take better care of myself
2) take better care of my environment

3) become more proud of who i am and what i like

4) save money for the future - think of the long term benefits (and consequences) rather than the short term gains

5) think about the future

I'm going to force myself to achieve these, to show that I do love myself and that I'm worthy of being cared for. It's time for me to invest in myself fully.


a much needed catch up

I've been MIA for a bit. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like ages to me. I still love coding, it's just that I end up comparing myself constantly to others that it consumes me, which is weird, because I rarely do that irl.

Lately I've been trying to improve myself, rather than ignoring myself to code. I've got a weekly planner thing, and I've successfully done a day. I feel really motivated because of it. I've been waking up at 5, playing otome games (notibly soul of yokai), walking my dog and then reading until 7. I then do my usual morning routine for college. Yesterday, I bought 4 new t-shirts which is good, because I usually wear the same few on rotation, sort of like a cartoon character. I got home and made a dish I lazily call "tuna rice", which I also lazily make. It's tuna, rice, scrambled egg, kale, mushrooms, sweetcorn and whatever vegetables I find in the fridge.

I might start an online collection of recipes, some of my own, and others "borrowed" but credited. I also want to make a lists page, because I want to make TV show, games, otome games, and book trackers. Also I just love a good list.

I've been reading A Quiet Mind by Shoukei Matsumoto, and I love it so much!! I loved his book A Monk's Guide to a Clean House and Mind. I prefer reading non fiction books to be honest. People I know always try to get me to read novels, but I've never really been interested in them. Maybe I have a quite linear approach to things, but in my mind TV is for entertainment and books are for learning. I love being absorbed in a good book. I tend to read a lot of self help, psychology, business, economics and religious books.

I am buzzing! Anyways, I think that's it for today. I may or may not update this website soon, idk. I hope you have a great day!!


falling out of love (vent)

I've retyped this line about 5 times so far as I'm not really sure how to make it coherent. I love the idea of love. I used to daydream a lot about being in relationships, and I still do, just not with the same naive rose coloured lenses. I have always wanted to meet someone that just gets me, someone I could go to and fit well with. Others seem to think I'm extroverted and confident, when really it's just a facade to get people to like me. When I go back to my normal state, people think I'm depressed. As soon as my own insecurities slip through from behind the mask, people become almost shocked, and I don't get why. My relationship patterns are abnormal, probably because that's how I grew up. I get close to people to then alienate myself from them. I've done it to 2 different friend groups, online friends and exes. I love the idea of love, but when it comes to it, I don't think I can love someone. I want to be loved without having to love back. I'm exhausted with trying to love. When I get crushes, they're not just crushes. I become obsessed, and it consumes me. I lose myself. In romantic relationships, I give 110%. I exert all of my energy into that person.

I have an idealised version of how people should be when in relationships - typical leo venus. Jokes aside, it has made me ignore blatent red flags and gotten into situations where I was being used.


why I started coding

Tw: depression, s//c!de, s/h

I discovered neocities in mid march 2021, and i was in love! My first website was called kaidouswh0re, after Shun Kaidou from Saiki K. The design was basic af. It was pink and had a pochacco png on the index. There was a grey sidebar where mewtwo, squirtle and pikachu lived alongside the navigation links. Those were the days when i didn't even know what the br tag was, and just relied on the gaps that p tags gave, to divide text. I plastered something along the lines of "I've promised myself not to leave this earth until my website is static", and it was everywhere. Every page you clicked on, it would say that in the left hand corner of the screen. Not as anything as a means for concern, but just as a little reminder to me as I was coding.

I have struggled with depression since roughly 2018. It got 1000x worse in lockdown. I ended up cutting off 1/3 of my hair and I had begun to s/h. Obviously camhs were taking the piss, and my endless amounts of journals i had kept throughout 2020 and 2021 weren't getting me anywhere. I genuinely thought i had nothing to live for anymore. And then boom, neocities :3

No but seriously, everytime a "bad" thought dared to enter my mind, I'd switch on my sorry excuse for a laptop (which was practically falling apart), and code for as long as my mouse would let me. I poured everything into that crummy website, and I treasured it. Recently my dad told me to stop messing around coding html as it wasn't going to get me anywhere, and told me to delete this website. Luckily he didn't know the name of it so i deleted kaidouswh0re in it's place. RIP kaidouswh0re 2021 - 2022.

Anyways, ever since I started in march 2021, I haven't stopped. This doesn't mean I'm tremendously amazing at it, because I'm not. I just jump on here, put in a few divs and lazily slap on some css and be in my own little happy world. Coding freely like this sparks so much joy for me!! I'm not judged on here. I'm just me. I love seeing other neocities users websites as well, so i can learn from them and potentially improve. I really hope whoever reads this finds as much joy from coding as I do. :)



I'm not sure what to call my practice, but i do know that I've been doing it for just under a year. A multitude of things have led me up to this point, such as religious crisises (involving extremism) at the ripe age of 16, untreated depression, and angelic delusions. I'll definitely speak about religious extremism as well as conspiracy theory rabbit holes in future blog posts. For now, i'm just going to share my experience with witchcraft.

I'm not pagan or wiccan, i just practice witchcraft. I mainly do divination, but I have done spell work and hexes before. Ever since I was 13, I've collected seashells, crystals and many other nature related things. It's what made me happy. When I was 11, I experienced manifestation for the first time ever. I got up every day saying that I was going to get into a certain secondary school, and I'd even accompany this by wearing red socks all the time, as red was the colour of the uniforms. Then, boom, I got in (not that it was hard to). I had fully believed that I would. It makes me so happy to think about it. Spell work is just ingredients + intention. Basically manifesting on drugs.

My first mistake, and blessing, was that I did a love spell as my first proper spell. It was super basic. I had asked my pendulum exactly when I should do it. I sat down on a sunday with pink post it notes, a pink water bottle and a £1.00 primark vanilla scented candle, and repeated the same two lines both in my head and out loud for a solid 15 minutes. I kid you not. Then just like that, I forgot about it. I forgot that I did the spell and carried on as normal. One sunday later, and I had recieved a love confession from a boy. I was gobsmacked. We then had a date on 04/06, a friday!! The relationship only lasted for a month, but again, it was proof that it works!! Aphrodite's day friday 4th as well :0

Anyways, even before that I had been using tarot cards. Everything they said would be right, and it still is. I've had a few difficulties with pendulums though. At first, i was blown away. I had just finished reading the angel bible by hazel raven. I had a little suncatcher ball thingy with a bit of elastic hanging from the top of it, and I asked it questions. I wanted to know more and more. i learned a lot about my guardian angel. I became a little obsessed. I learned his name through automatic writing. I was so dumbfounded by it all. Then I went on a pendulum walk. I walked for a solid 3 hours, through fields and woodland areas. I was led to a dead rat. I wasn't sure at the time what that meant. As I was walking back, my left ear rung, which I now know means from the higher self if it's high pitched. I had trusted the pendulum a bit too much at this point, and was led down the rabbit hole that one of my neighbours who is bald and has 2x golden retrievers was going to die and be found in the bush where my ear had rung. I cringe when I look back at this. I haven't seen him since to be honest, but again I haven't seen any headlines saying that a bald man has died in a bush so...

Then I met "Hades". I'm not sure how I found out that they were calling themselves Hades, but i did. They wanted to work with me, but i asked if i could research them a bit, so i would know who i was dealing with. Then they were kicked out by my guardian angel lmao. Like i kid you not, i was trying to get back to "Hades", and my guardian angel intercepted. I was annoyed at the time, because I didn't realise that it was a trickster. But now I'm truly grateful. It taught me two things. One is that I needed to up my protection and two is that I wasn't a fan of pendulums. They're good for occasional, short questions in my opinion, but not full blown conversations. For the latter, I prefer just talking to them in my head.

Non spiritualists/witches etc. must've read that and pissed themselves. It's how I communicate with deities, angels and my higher self. With messages, they're usually blunt but enlightening. Sometimes it's cool just to ask questions. Aphrodite is very polite at all times, and uses "darling" and "love" a lot, whereas Apollo is harder to describe, but I just know when he's there. I haven't heard my angels yet, i don't think so anyways, but I do hear my higher self whenever I'm upset.


lol wtf do i put in this box