28/03/25, 05:30

I've been okay. Discovered flyleaf and despite not being christian, I really like their stuff. Unsure on how much I've even shared on here at this point. I haven't slept today. No particular reason. Last year I was diagnosed with Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder. Saw a psychotherapist and then left because he was a Freud fanatic and I was over talking about my childhood for the 50th time. I wanted help for the now and the current, I already know why I am the way I am. Mentioning this because I've been okay compared to previous times. Still unstable but less so than usual. Downside of eating properly is gaining weight. Found that I would only feel alive in the gym and just sleep until I went again, because everything is plain. Been lazy and stopped going for a bit and I'm stable again. Today I watched my boyfriend play Lords of the Fallen again when I woke up. It's souls like (really fun games visually). I then crashed and slept. When I woke up I played lego fortnite.
Anyways, I feel like a waste of space. I'm no longer suicidal like I used to be. I want to live. I just don't think life is for me. I could go into that but I can't be arsed. Can't go on antipsychotics yet since they're sedatives, meaning I will become a walking (if that) zombie, which isn't exactly great for uni. I've barely attended uni this year, and part of me wants to fully give up with it. I applied knowing that my final year would all be chosen modules and my previous years would be core, which is different to usual unis which do a mix of both each year. I was looking forward to my final year. They changed it to only one chosen module... the rest are frramed as if they are chosen when in reality the uni picks them according to your specific course route. This and the fact my uni is pretty shit at understanding anything in relation to my needs/accommodations. The only person that got it was my tutor and he was chill with me remote learning. Disability and attendence however were spamming me with emails saying they'd pause my studies. Yes, a little break will cure autism of course.
I feel negatively about jobs too. I worked for 3 years straight, took a few months to get used to uni in my first year and now it's radio silence. The three years suddenly evaporated and no one's hiring. I don't believe I'll be good in corporate or professional jobs, but what the fuck else can I do? Creativity has been battered out of me the same way my emotions were. I don't have motivation, aspirations or dreams. I just exist and that's not good enough for this world.
I don't leave the house really. I'm working on becoming estranged from my family, which makes me happy to think about. "This close" by Flyleaf basically describes this limbo like state I'm in. You don't have to worry about me. I can't kill myself until this website is static, remember?

14/04/22 - journal V1

I discovered neocities in mid march 2021, and i was in love! My first website was called kaidouswh0re, after Shun Kaidou from Saiki K. The design was basic af. It was pink and had a pochacco png on the index. There was a grey sidebar where mewtwo, squirtle and pikachu lived alongside the navigation links. Those were the days when i didn't even know what the br tag was, and just relied on the gaps that p tags gave, to divide text. I plastered something along the lines of "I've promised myself not to leave this earth until my website is static", and it was everywhere. Every page you clicked on, it would say that in the left hand corner of the screen. Not as anything as a means for concern, but just as a little reminder to me as I was coding. I have struggled with depression since roughly 2018. It got 1000x worse in lockdown. I ended up cutting off 1/3 of my hair and I had begun to s/h. Obviously camhs were taking the piss, and my endless amounts of journals i had kept throughout 2020 and 2021 weren't getting me anywhere. I genuinely thought i had nothing to live for anymore. And then boom, neocities :3
No but seriously, everytime a "bad" thought dared to enter my mind, I'd switch on my sorry excuse for a laptop (which was practically falling apart), and code for as long as my mouse would let me. I poured everything into that crummy website, and I treasured it. Recently my dad told me to stop messing around coding html as it wasn't going to get me anywhere, and told me to delete this website. Luckily he didn't know the name of it so i deleted kaidouswh0re in it's place. RIP kaidouswh0re 2021 - 2022.
Anyways, ever since I started in march 2021, I haven't stopped. This doesn't mean I'm tremendously amazing at it, because I'm not. I just jump on here, put in a few divs and lazily slap on some css and be in my own little happy world. Coding freely like this sparks so much joy for me!! I'm not judged on here. I'm just me. I love seeing other neocities users websites as well, so i can learn from them and potentially improve. I really hope whoever reads this finds as much joy from coding as I do. :)

28/03/25, 05:30

I've been okay. Discovered flyleaf and despite not being christian, I really like their stuff. Unsure on how much I've even shared on here at this point. I haven't slept today. No particular reason. Last year I was diagnosed with Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder. Saw a psychotherapist and then left because he was a Freud fanatic and I was over talking about my childhood for the 50th time. I wanted help for the now and the current, I already know why I am the way I am. Mentioning this because I've been okay compared to previous times. Still unstable but less so than usual. Downside of eating properly is gaining weight. Found that I would only feel alive in the gym and just sleep until I went again, because everything is plain. Been lazy and stopped going for a bit and I'm stable again. Today I watched my boyfriend play Lords of the Fallen again when I woke up. It's souls like (really fun games visually). I then crashed and slept. When I woke up I played lego fortnite.
Anyways, I feel like a waste of space. I'm no longer suicidal like I used to be. I want to live. I just don't think life is for me. I could go into that but I can't be arsed. Can't go on antipsychotics yet since they're sedatives, meaning I will become a walking (if that) zombie, which isn't exactly great for uni. I've barely attended uni this year, and part of me wants to fully give up with it. I applied knowing that my final year would all be chosen modules and my previous years would be core, which is different to usual unis which do a mix of both each year. I was looking forward to my final year. They changed it to only one chosen module... the rest are frramed as if they are chosen when in reality the uni picks them according to your specific course route. This and the fact my uni is pretty shit at understanding anything in relation to my needs/accommodations. The only person that got it was my tutor and he was chill with me remote learning. Disability and attendence however were spamming me with emails saying they'd pause my studies. Yes, a little break will cure autism of course.
I feel negatively about jobs too. I worked for 3 years straight, took a few months to get used to uni in my first year and now it's radio silence. The three years suddenly evaporated and no one's hiring. I don't believe I'll be good in corporate or professional jobs, but what the fuck else can I do? Creativity has been battered out of me the same way my emotions were. I don't have motivation, aspirations or dreams. I just exist and that's not good enough for this world.
I don't leave the house really. I'm working on becoming estranged from my family, which makes me happy to think about. "This close" by Flyleaf basically describes this limbo like state I'm in. You don't have to worry about me. I can't kill myself until this website is static, remember?

30/03/25, 03:04

Another day, no sleep. I think if I'm up this late it's safe to say I'm not gonna sleep today. I only started struggling with insomnia when i started university, and it wasn't that bad. It could be my distain for living, however I've always had that. I guess now I'm just more hopeless. The state of the world and my inability to be a normal person. I'm fine with it, however to thrive I need to work and socialise, and I can't do those things. I've been applying for jobs for a year or so now and still nothing. With how the world works, I'm expected to starve and die because I can't fit in with these norms. I find solace in watching channels like imalittlemole. I would like to make relaxed videos like her, but my own insecurity and paranoia hinders that. My insecurity and identity is something I'd like to work on. I don't know if it's possible for me, but for now I will try. Sadly, I do still want to live despite not having the best experiences. My mental health has always been an issue since I was a kid. Monsters are made. I'm not evil, but I was treated like I was daily to the point I have no sense of self. I think as long as I still have rage in my heart I can continue to live. I get scared of myself when I'm empty, cold and robotic. I used to be like that daily to survive. I think I would end up killing myself on impluse when I'm in that kind of mood. I've been feeling like a child for the past year. I wanted to get better. I couldn't do it. I was thinking helium but even that isn't truly painless. The fact I'm scared of the pain means I'm not too far gone, right?

02/01/24

I've found someone like me I think, I'm unsure if he's genuine. He calms me and he actually understands my brain. My mood changes very fast, dramatically, and he's still here and willing despite this. I can't remember a lot, my perception of time is skewed (a week feels like a month to me) and i lack emotional permanence. I showed him the 11 page report I wrote for the GP as evidence as to why i think i could be autistic or have bpd (both have high symptom overlap), it includes my mental health history since i was 7 and also my symptoms that align with both. He has sped up my self analysis. He's seeing things I couldn't find and I probably wouldn't have ever found. He said I'm reactions based rather than feelings based. I do things for a reaction, and when I don't get the expected reaction back, I feel unsafe. I can't really explain it further than that. My head feels so foggy constantly, I never feel like me. Sometimes I can wake up fine and other times i can wake up cold or explosive. I feel like I have no control. He says I could have adhd or bipolar. He said I should tell everything to the GP.
My ex emotionally cheated on me. I was replaced by someone else and he demoted me to less than. Before he spent all of his time with me, and then as soon as he started uni, he was doing things I begged for with him with her instead. Whenever I wanted support from him I didn't get it. This has happened to me before. He didnt respect my needs, values, boundaries etc. It's whatever anyways. I was going to be spiteful and sign him up for scientology and other things like that. Instead I just told him I didn't love him and emotionally cheated back. That was nice. It confirmed my suspicions when they both unfollowed me at the same time.
It feels weird now that I've met someone like me. It makes me realise that no one truly liked me enough to even understand me, it was all surface level and transactional. They liked my body, or they liked the idea of me, but when I actually showed up, they didn't like that. He's making us just be friends for now. He doesn't believe I can be stable and rational. Even in my emotional instability, I'm always stable. I can always lock in, and I'm aware of myself. He helped me extend my 11 page document. I asked my ex to read it when we were together and I was anxious and stressed about it but he didn't want to. And yet a stranger from hinge would.
He wants me to be my own person in the relationship, that's why he won't date me. He doesn't want me to be a carbon copy of him. No one has wanted that from me before. No one has wanted to help me work on myself. I've tried pushing him away and I even blocked him, but he is okay with it. I haven't left my bed today. I called him from 1am - 6am, and woke up at 1pm. On new years he didn't want me to be alone so he called me. I never thought I would like an american lmao. He's coming back to the UK soon which is nice.

18/04/24

It's been weird. I've been okay, and just that. I haven't really been present at all. It feels like I only come into consciousness every now and then. My mood is uncontrollable completely now. I hope to see a psychiatrist about it soon, to finally end this uncertainty. I was put on a 2.5 year waiting list for autism, and I've now switched providers to hopefully be seen sooner. I for the most part have been feeling like a shell of my former self. Right now however I feel happy so I don't really know how bad it was. I know everyone exists, however when I'm not here I can't. I don't really think anything. I always get scared when I'm happy and I have clarity and a grip on reality. It's very shortlived. I wanted to physically rip my skin off and leave my body. I have felt that before, and remembered upon feeling it again. It's nostalgic and scary. Is it bad to miss when I used to be delusional and see things? It made me happy, I believed in angels, I saw orbs of light. Now I'm not concious most of the time, it's really sad. I mean that in the sense that I'm mentally fading, I'm not present or in control most days. I can only write and convey these things in this state. It makes me cry. I wonder what has happened for me to be this way. I am scared of switching states and forgetting the clarity I feel when I'm here. My head is clear now but I know soon it won't be.
I showered for the first time in ages. I live with the american guy I mentioned before, he doesn't like it when I don't shower. He is nice to me. He sees everything so I hope that he is allowed to come with me to the psychiatrist to tell them anything I forgot. We play games together. I've been writing an essay on Marx in his bed for most of the day. He makes me eat fruit because he knows I would just live off of toast and butter. We butt heads a lot, which I've never experienced before when dating someone. I find him really annoying. He got me a doll for being one month s/h free. We are watching episode 4 of fallout so I have to go now!

08/06/24

I feel frustrated and tired with life itself. I am having previous years repeat in the sense that I feel like I'm crazy and alone. Getting help has been really slow, and it's annoying because there's an array of things it could be (due to symptom overlap) like autism, adhd, bpd, depression etc. My environment isn't helpful either. I had three options: move home and endure mental/emotional abuse, stay at my uni accommodation for another year (unlikely to be let back as I'm no longer a first year), or move in with someone I was originally unsure about. I did the third one. Moving home meant I was going to have to send all of my paychecks to my mum, and work a job I'd be unhappy in. I have struggled with working ever since I started due to the social aspect. It always took a toll on me. Mum isn't the most stable either. It feels like all options I had will lead to me "noping out" eventually. It sucks because I couldn't imagine myself living past 18 for the longest time. Now I'm 19, turning 20 this year, and to comfort myself I have convinced myself that the world will end in 2028. Again, I'm having to rely on coding as a crutch to not commit ..., just like how it was when I started my first website in 2021. It really sucks. My year long hiatus was because for the most part I was happy. I feel myself truly getting bad, potentially slipping back to SH. Whenever I'm sad now, I smoke. I like the feeling of it. I'm always preferred and more palatable when I'm happy. I'm not control of my mood or mind at all anymore. I don't trust my own mind. I moved in with someone I met on hinge. He is nice and he is like me in the sense he is also not normal. I already know I don't truly love people and I'm not sure if he is the same. He is best described as like Tony from skins (S1) without the cheating, which we both agreed upon. I just get annoyed because it feels as if i'm being gaslit. I can't even remember a specific example because my mind is so fucked. I can never tell if I'm genuinely daft and misremembering or if he is using my mind to his advantage and gaslighting me, or at least trying to. Anyways, I have nothing else at all, just him. I don't know if 2021 me would be happy or disheartened. I waited for so long to get help. I bit my tongue growing up and now it feels as if I could explode. I haven't been alone in three months, and now I am for two weeks whilst he is with family in America. I feel really alone and depressed and I know this is also my fault. I've finally gotten what I've always wanted: a boyfriend and best friend. However, I know my emotions and self are heavily dependant on him. I'll never tell him this. I already told him I could have autism or BPD and he knows what that could entail. I genuinely never try to burden anyone, hence I turn to this void. I'm unsure if anyone reads these, and I'm okay with that. Anyways, I have lots of entries to transfer here. I've been barely sleeping since the day he left. I'll be using that extra time to code lots and lots!

30/07/24

My boyfriend threw up this morning and, despite me not coming into contact with it whatsoever, I still felt dirty and viewed him as dirty. It's taken about 9 hours for me to feel okay again. I washed my hands multiple times and rubbed my feet and hands with anti bacterial wipes, but it still wouldn't go away. I wanted to chop my hands off as if they were infected. They didn't feel like mine and the smell of sick lingered on them (I never touched the sick). My boyfriend couldn't touch me without me feeling disgusted or crying. He's convinced I'm a hypochondriac, as his mother is too. I'm unsure. I realise my thoughts are irrational, like how I'm reluctant to eat something I have put back in the fridge after opening it or that I won't eat fruit that is bruised. I don't think these are too bad.
Anyways, I supplied my boyfriend with the BRAT diet (it really is a brat summer). Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast harden stool and are less likely to further upset a stomach. I love love love apple puree pouches (I live off of them). I didn't have enough money to get any for me. I want my own place but I don't have enough money or the drive to work again. I've been working since I was 16 and stopped when I was 19 and a bit. I've been looking for jobs but everything feels so dystopian. You can rinse indeed dry applying to everything and anything, but only hear back from a few out of dozens. I applied for a zero hour contract sunday job, and I know for a fact I'm qualified as I've worked the same job for 3 years. Then I don't want to do it anyways, I hate socialising, but to get anything I want I basically have to.

17/08/24

I find everything so boring. Social media is boring. I deleted tiktok and I'm in the process of deleting instagram. I've been trying to watch more youtube videos, however the videos that are recommended to me are either brainrot or some stupid video essay. The last video I saw that I loved was by Marcika tiltled how i quit spotify with an mp3 player. People complain about Gen Alpha being "cooked" due to "brainrot", but a lot of what is available for us is the same. I was thinking of being a streamer for money, even though I haven't watched any streamers and don't really have anything to contribute. I've become completely socially inept. I don't go outside. My boyfriend thinks I'll become like Sheila Jackson from shameless when I'm older. I'd like to be in all honesty. Nothing interests me and I hate having to socialise with people. He made me order for us at subway the other day and I failed. I only go food shopping when they first open from 6am to 8am to avoid people. I would like to be a youtuber maybe, however I only want to use a 2000s camcorder to record my videos. No clickbait thumbnails or crazy editing (like attention grabbing cuts every 2.5 seconds). I wouldn't have a specific genre. I think if anything I would talk about my own mental health and about autism. I was recently diagnosed. My whole life and self made sense after considering the possibility in late 2023.

These are unsorted I will categorise these later !!

30/03/25

- My boyfriend doesn't deserve it
- My cat will wonder where I went

28/03/25

For the majority of my life I wondered what was wrong with me. Everyone around me treated me as if I was wrong, so I strived to fix myself and become perfect. The thing is that I was never broken. I was just undiagnosed autistic. I grew up with parents that didn't actually love me, people I thought were friends who were just laughing at me, and people I wanted to love me but never wanted me. I haven't actually recieved love until recently. It saddens me that the way my parents treated me lead me to develop a personality disorder. Essentially, I was emotionally neglected by both of them. My mother is a scatty, volatile narcissist, and my father was an enabler to her behaviour and was also likely a narcissist (both tick the criteria for npd). I wasn't allowed to feel emotions and had to remain plain and robotic, whilst they could throw tantrums. When my brother was born, I was no longer a child, but instead a maid, babysitter and second mother. Other questionable family members tried to snap sense into my mum for her treatment towards me, which was saying a lot since they weren't angels themselves. I didn't have autonomy. I learned to memorise the placement of things in my room, since my mum would come in and rearrange things. She would remove objects and put new things in. She'd give things away without my knowledge. I lost my teenage years to depression, which transformed into bouts of psychosis from when I was about 16 onwards. I have a lot of anger towards people that claimed to be my friend during this period and yet didn't attempt to help me out. They knew too. I was seeing shit and I was consumed by seeing patterns and signs in things that aren't there. Whatever. She was always emotionally volatile too. I have told my boyfriend everything. Last time I saw her (she had been blowing up my phone wanting to see me) so we met at a train station. I called her and asked if she could drive to the other side of the station since we had a lot of luggage and the lifts in the station were broken, meaning it would take a while for us to go to the other side. She blew up at me and cursed me out... because I was on the wrong side of the train station (accidently)??? I ended up crying. I avoid her like the plague. Any time I go back home, I see black silhouttes and shadows. My father would tell me as a young child that my mum was a narcissist and yet left me in that environment. I have less to say about him since these kind of contradictions happened a lot.
My mood is unstable daily. This was more self contained in the past, however since I was emotionally cheated on in 2023, it's all been outward. I notice the emptiness too. I always did, but for moments I could become so absorbed with someone else that it would be temporarily filled. I haven't been obsessed with my current boyfriend, since we started dating post spiral. I have enjoyed this. I'm not consumed as much, but I still feel like I would kill myself if he left. I'm very dependent on him. We live together and he's always helping me. I even told him to apply for carer's allowance, because of how much he has to deal with. He's the only person that has healed my wounds and cared about my self harm. He sterilised my wounds for me and bandaged me up. I still struggle with being a seperate entity. Most of the time, when he is doing something by himself, I just sleep until he's back.