Last update: 18/04/24, 20:19
Hi!! Welcome to my journal. I want to make this a cozy kind of journal as I've typically only written darker things/topics into my previous ones. Depression is something I struggle with, but I'm going to try and focus on more positive things and help myself reconnect with my interests. With that being said, I would like to put a TW here, as themes of depression, s/h and s//c!dal thoughts may be mentioned in my entries.
Entry #1 - 21/02/23:
It feels so weird writing on here again. This is now the 3rd journal I've made on neocities. I've been okay.
I went to --- today, and I got a large taro milk tea with strawberry bubbles (I kept the boba cup so I can reuse it at home :P). I also went to a bakery there and got a large custard bun, and it was nice, but it had a bit too much custard in my opinion. I bought some wish me mell post it notes and some reduced suatelier christmas stickers to put in my boyfriend's scrapbook. When I got home, I had recieved my new flare jeans in the mail, and I think they suit my body type a lot more than my typical cargos and baggy jeans. I want to invest in some good combat boots to wear with them. I'm also thinking about buying another pair of them in a different colour. I think my boyfriend should style me, he was the one who prompted me to buy these jeans. Very cool. He wants me to buy the lamoda love sick platform heels, but I'm already tall as it is. I really enjoy wearing white shoes though, so I might get them.
Emotionally, I am okay. I have been slipping in and out, but for the most part, it hasn't been as bad as it previously has been. I'm excited for university. I've been given offers from my chosen university, and I've picked it as my firm and insurance option - which basically means I'm guaranteed to go there. I can see myself coding more when I'm there, as coding has been something I've used to help me emotionally. I'm not bad now, but when I am, it's easy to reach for the laptop and to code.
When I had last put an entry on here, I also wrote one for the archives, about being anxiously attached and overly obsessed still, even though I'm in a healthy relationship. It's in the archives as I want to seperate my normal journal and writings from my depressive, spiraling, or obsessive self. I was crying to my boyfriend that day about it all, about how stuck I feel. I always kind of assumed it was the people I was with, but now I'm with someone that actively reassures his love for me, and I still find myself to be anxiously attached. Upon repeatedly listening to Caroline Polachek's Desire, I want to turn into you, her latest album, I feel reassured that I'm not alone with these kind of feelings. Someone else can actually relate to me with this. It's not often that I actually listen to lyrics or relate to them even. In January 2022, I had found Caroline Polachek's Hey Big Eyes, and I really liked the George Clanton remix as well as the original. I, regrettably, didn't listen to much of the rest of her discography, until the release of DIWTTIY on February 14th this year.
I equally enjoy all of her songs from this album. I have found myself relating the most to crude drawing of an angel and butterfly net, as they all talk about fears/insecurities I've frequently had. The song crude drawing of angel reminds me of my own idolisation towards my love interests, and my fear that they'll eventually leave me. I draw my own pictures of them, feeling "scorny" (lol). I also have tended to use vulnerability and being sexual as a way of trying to get them to stay. I have had bad obsessive thoughts before, regarding love interests. I heavily relate to the lines, "draw the wings from your back, I'll not be shy, no, I'll not be gentle with you". The recurring theme of closeness also makes me happy. The line in blood and butter "closer than your new tattoo" reminds me of my own overwhelming feelings of wanting to be with someone, it being so strong in my body that I want to get under their skin. I also want to know everything about that person. I had been seeing 2:22 on most of the songs from her album, when I had randomly checked my phone. This also made me happy, as I had previously said, it was something that was making me upset, and whilst I don't know how to solve it, it's okay, there are many other people that are fearful of the future, like me.
I finally feel hopeful for the future. I want to go to University. I want to drive. I want to live in my own space. I still struggle with avolition sometimes, but I'm getting better. I just allow myself to feel on those days, without trying to force myself to do more than I can mentally handle. That's good for me, as it's usually followed by high energy days where I do literally everything that needs to be done, plus more. My boyfriend says I pick myself apart too much, and maybe that's true, but I've always wanted perfection, so the "picking" has always made sense to me. I'm learning day by day how to just exist. I don't need to rush anything, or pick myself apart in the hope to become the "best" version of myself. I just will. It's inevitable. All I really need to do is exist, love, learn and experience. I can change if I want to, but I shouldn't be finding faults where there are none. Even if it is a problem, and I enjoy finding those, I shouldn't be doing it when I already feel bad.
I have learned to enjoy small things over the past 2/3 years. It started with seeing angel numbers, then seeing cats outside, now it's listening to birdsong. I enjoy robin chirps and pigeon coos. I also enjoy watching magpies build nests with their partner. Whilst I can't fully recover just like that, I can find ways to make each day enjoyable. My instagram feed is full of plushies, pink and animals. My bathroom is half cream and half pink, with framed collages adorning my walls. My room, even though it's messy, has little trinkets and things in it that remind me of certain memories. My walls have maps, posters, quotes and paintings embellished on them. Even when I don't end up going to college, I enjoy my time at home.
I don't want to slip in University. To prevent that, I'm currently hoarding cool things that I can take with me. I think you can get charged for damages for hanging stuff up and painting the walls, which I think is depressing in itself. It's okay though, because my utensils, decorations and other stuff will still be cool and cute (and pink). I already have a pink cinnamoroll rug and a love heart bowl. Things like these are also making me happy. I might learn how to sew plushies, as a hobby for university. I tend to get bored of hobbies easily, as they either are too easy or I no longer find joy from them. Luckily for me, I gain a bunch of skills each time though. I used to have a sewing machine when I was 11, as a result of this. I thought I'd be interested in it forever, but it was only fleeting. I know that sewing plushies won't last, but I will still enjoy the outcome of it, even if it only lasts for a few weeks.
It's been a long one. Coding was the one thing in my life i was interested in, and essentially kept me going. And now it isn't. I'm recollecting monster high dolls like how I did as a kid, I dress similar to one in my free time. I enjoy expressing myself through my clothes now, but I'm currently trying to build a good alternative winter wardrobe. I'm 19, and in university, however I haven't been able to successfully transition to it. I'm bunking lectures due to their lack of excitement, they only seem to go through powerpoint slides, which I'm able to do on my own. I think people are only here for the degree at the end, and I think university is romanticised too much.
I hope to get back into coding again. I took a break due to my lack of ideas and contentment with the layout of it all. I know there are things I can improve on and add, and I intend to do so. I hope you've all been well.
I now have 45 minute online therapy sessions weekly which has been quite helpful. I use betterhelp.com because of it's affordability, they can't officially diagnose you, but they can refer you to the appropriate places/resources to help. I have been told I have social anxiety, whilst being at uni it has greatly worsened, however I feel like it's always been there. It's gotten to the point where I have been avoiding going to the kitchen, as I share an accommodation with 10 other people, and genuinely there's never a time where someone isn't in there. I have gone in at 4am one time to make myself toast but there was someone in there. My avoidance has caused me to not cook food for myself whatsoever, since september (2 months). I just eat meal deals, instant noodles and instant pasta. I have a little travel kettle, drink out of water bottles and wash all of my dishes in my room. I do want to get better, but I also have no interest in talking to my flatmates, I can tell they aren't my people whatsoever. I regret going to my university, the people on my course are pretty bland. My boyfriend's uni seems more lively and also there's more people there that I can see myself being friends with (nerds). I also think that I could have autism, but I'm unsure. A lot of people have told me that I could have it. My friends are neurodivergent, as well as my boyfriend, and his friends. I think it's unlikely that I'm just a neurotypical person that always seems to befriend neurodivergent people. Like I think there would be a greater mix if I was NT. Maybe this is just a weird perception I have.
To overcome my lack of socialisation in these 2 months, this week I impulsively booked a bunch of events to help me socialise and also keep myself occupied. Besides collecting dolls, I don't really have any hobbies (coding but I kind of fell off of it for under a year or so). So thursday night I went to a kpop night at a night club and it was really fun. At first I struggled to do anything, but after half an hour or so I sat next to 2 girls who were 20 and 21, and we ended up dancing the whole night. I walked back by myself after, but I called my boyfriend so its okay. I do depend on him quite a bit, he makes me feel so safe and loved, but I know I have to also have independent interests from him. Since I coded in ages, I haven't updated here as much. We went to see twice together in September which was really cool. I've booked a concert to go to alone this year as well, to hopefully meet people. I don't have a problem in my confidence of speaking, it's just I don't have much to say/ask people. I can quite easily pop off about my own interests, but I'm not good at holding conversations with others. I find it hard to relate to people in the first place, and when I do find a similar interest between us, I can't expand on it and create a conversation from it (or at least a longer one I would feel satisfied with). I'm going to pub nights alone soon too, at a pub that seems to attract alternative people, to hopefully befriend them, as my uni has none. None whatsoever!! Where are they hiding?? I started uni wearing my dark in love dresses, and other fun clothes (of which I hope to make a page about soon), and I was essentially outcast from everyone else. I'm the last to be picked in groups and no one really wants to talk to me, which I haven't experienced in a while. It's still the case now, but it's winter so I'm just wearing the same outfit everyday like an NPC. That's a thing too, I tend to just wear the same outfits all the time, I know for a fact I was viewed as an NPC in college because I always wore the same exact outfit. I enjoy doing so really.
I do enjoy economics. I think people I tend to meet view it as quite an evil subject to study which is understandable, however I think it can also be the right push towards leftism. I'm not really well politically versed, but I know that I hate the current world systems and norms. I think it's funny that a majority of the people on my course are very sigma male millionaire grindset andrew tate ass wipes, and chose economics as a way of becoming canary wharf crypto forex finance bros. Most of my lecturers, and my college teacher are left wing, and I'm assuming that's a result of learning economics, like truly, not just from a capitalist brainwashed perspective. I want to hopefully do good with my degree at the end of it all, maybe working as a researcher? I'm still unsure.
I've found someone like me I think, I'm unsure if he's genuine. He calms me and he actually understands my brain. My mood changes very fast, dramatically, and he's still here and willing despite this. I can't remember a lot, my perception of time is skewed (a week feels like a month to me) and i lack emotional permanence. I showed him the 11 page report I wrote for the GP as evidence as to why i think i could be autistic or have bpd (both have high symptom overlap), it includes my mental health history since i was 7 and also my symptoms that align with both. He has sped up my self analysis. He's seeing things I couldn't find and I probably wouldn't have ever found. He said I'm reactions based rather than feelings based. I do things for a reaction, and when I don't get the expected reaction back, I feel unsafe. I can't really explain it further than that. My head feels so foggy constantly, I never feel like me. Sometimes I can wake up fine and other times i can wake up cold or explosive. I feel like I have no control. He says I could have adhd or bipolar. He said I should tell everything to the GP.
My ex emotionally cheated on me. I was replaced by someone else and he demoted me to less than. Before he spent all of his time with me, and then as soon as he started uni, he was doing things I begged for with him with her instead. Whenever I wanted support from him I didn't get it. This has happened to me before. He didnt respect my needs, values, boundaries etc. It's whatever anyways. I was going to be spiteful and sign him up for scientology and other things like that. Instead I just told him I didn't love him and emotionally cheated back. That was nice. It confirmed my suspicions when they both unfollowed me at the same time.
It feels weird now that I've met someone like me. It makes me realise that no one truly liked me enough to even understand me, it was all surface level and transactional. They liked my body, or they liked the idea of me, but when I actually showed up, they didn't like that. He's making us just be friends for now. He doesn't believe I can be stable and rational. Even in my emotional instability, I'm always stable. I can always lock in, and I'm aware of myself. He helped me extend my 11 page document. I asked my ex to read it when we were together and I was anxious and stressed about it but he didn't want to. And yet a stranger from hinge would.
He wants me to be my own person in the relationship, that's why he won't date me. He doesn't want me to be a carbon copy of him. No one has wanted that from me before. No one has wanted to help me work on myself. I've tried pushing him away and I even blocked him, but he is okay with it. I haven't left my bed today. I called him from 1am - 6am, and woke up at 1pm. On new years he didn't want me to be alone so he called me. I never thought I would like an american lmao. He's coming back to the UK soon which is nice.
It's been weird. I've been okay, and just that. I haven't really been present at all. It feels like I only come into consciousness every now and then. My mood is uncontrollable completely now. I hope to see a psychiatrist about it soon, to finally end this uncertainty. I was put on a 2.5 year waiting list for autism, and I've now switched providers to hopefully be seen sooner. I for the most part have been feeling like a shell of my former self. Right now however I feel happy so I don't really know how bad it was. I know everyone exists, however when I'm not here I can't. I don't really think anything. I always get scared when I'm happy and I have clarity and a grip on reality. It's very shortlived. I wanted to physically rip my skin off and leave my body. I have felt that before, and remembered upon feeling it again. It's nostalgic and scary. Is it bad to miss when I used to be delusional and see things? It made me happy, I believed in angels, I saw orbs of light. Now I'm not concious most of the time, it's really sad. I mean that in the sense that I'm mentally fading, I'm not present or in control most days. I can only write and convey these things in this state. It makes me cry. I wonder what has happened for me to be this way. I am scared of switching states and forgetting the clarity I feel when I'm here. My head is clear now but I know soon it won't be.
I showered for the first time in ages. I live with the american guy I mentioned before, he doesn't like it when I don't shower. He is nice to me. He sees everything so I hope that he is allowed to come with me to the psychiatrist to tell them anything I forgot. We play games together. I've been writing an essay on Marx in his bed for most of the day. He makes me eat fruit because he knows I would just live off of toast and butter. We butt heads a lot, which I've never experienced before when dating someone. I find him really annoying. He got me a doll for being one month s/h free. We are watching episode 4 of fallout so I have to go now!
This section is for my archived entries. They are archived because they are from before 2023, or I'm just not comfortable having it on this page. (Big TW for the archives)
