Hello lovelies! Hopefully you've been enjoying my website thus far. This is the place I'll be dumping anything and everything essentially. Use the navigation bar on the left to access relevant topics that pique your interest.

Entries may contain themes of S/H, su//c!dal thoughts, depression and other sensitive topics.

I discovered neocities in mid march 2021, and i was in love! My first website was called kaidouswh0re, after Shun Kaidou from Saiki K. The design was basic af. It was pink and had a pochacco png on the index. There was a grey sidebar where mewtwo, squirtle and pikachu lived alongside the navigation links. Those were the days when i didn't even know what the br tag was, and just relied on the gaps that p tags gave, to divide text. I plastered something along the lines of "I've promised myself not to leave this earth until my website is static", and it was everywhere. Every page you clicked on, it would say that in the left hand corner of the screen. Not as anything as a means for concern, but just as a little reminder to me as I was coding. I have struggled with depression since roughly 2018. It got 1000x worse in lockdown. I ended up cutting off 1/3 of my hair and I had begun to s/h. Obviously camhs were taking the piss, and my endless amounts of journals i had kept throughout 2020 and 2021 weren't getting me anywhere. I genuinely thought i had nothing to live for anymore. And then boom, neocities :3
No but seriously, everytime a "bad" thought dared to enter my mind, I'd switch on my sorry excuse for a laptop (which was practically falling apart), and code for as long as my mouse would let me. I poured everything into that crummy website, and I treasured it. Recently my dad told me to stop messing around coding html as it wasn't going to get me anywhere, and told me to delete this website. Luckily he didn't know the name of it so i deleted kaidouswh0re in it's place. RIP kaidouswh0re 2021 - 2022. Anyways, ever since I started in march 2021, I haven't stopped. This doesn't mean I'm tremendously amazing at it, because I'm not. I just jump on here, put in a few divs and lazily slap on some css and be in my own little happy world. Coding freely like this sparks so much joy for me!! I'm not judged on here. I'm just me. I love seeing other neocities users websites as well, so i can learn from them and potentially improve. I really hope whoever reads this finds as much joy from coding as I do. :)

14/04/22

I truly believe there are no benefits of being on social media, and I say that as someone who has been active on various socials from age 10 or so. I haven't enjoyed posting as I've always felt severely out of place. I don't have any friends I actively talk to and I don't want to shorten my attention span further than I already have. I have felt pressured to remain "connected" and active on social media as I was always missing viral videos and things of which friends would reference. Everyone but me would understand the reference and enjoy it. Even now that I have lengthened my time on social media, I'm not consuming the same things as them to understand them. I have no interest in continuing, and priortise my comfort. Coding is a lot slower and promotes learning. Yes, I am still trauma dumping online, at least I'm also developing coding skills (even if they aren't as relevant nowadays). Fuck social media, code instead !

29/07/24

I've found someone like me I think, I'm unsure if he's genuine. He calms me and he actually understands my brain. My mood changes very fast, dramatically, and he's still here and willing despite this. I can't remember a lot, my perception of time is skewed (a week feels like a month to me) and i lack emotional permanence. I showed him the 11 page report I wrote for the GP as evidence as to why i think i could be autistic or have bpd (both have high symptom overlap), it includes my mental health history since i was 7 and also my symptoms that align with both. He has sped up my self analysis. He's seeing things I couldn't find and I probably wouldn't have ever found. He said I'm reactions based rather than feelings based. I do things for a reaction, and when I don't get the expected reaction back, I feel unsafe. I can't really explain it further than that. My head feels so foggy constantly, I never feel like me. Sometimes I can wake up fine and other times i can wake up cold or explosive. I feel like I have no control. He says I could have adhd or bipolar. He said I should tell everything to the GP.
My ex emotionally cheated on me. I was replaced by someone else and he demoted me to less than. Before he spent all of his time with me, and then as soon as he started uni, he was doing things I begged for with him with her instead. Whenever I wanted support from him I didn't get it. This has happened to me before. He didnt respect my needs, values, boundaries etc. It's whatever anyways. I was going to be spiteful and sign him up for scientology and other things like that. Instead I just told him I didn't love him and emotionally cheated back. That was nice. It confirmed my suspicions when they both unfollowed me at the same time.
It feels weird now that I've met someone like me. It makes me realise that no one truly liked me enough to even understand me, it was all surface level and transactional. They liked my body, or they liked the idea of me, but when I actually showed up, they didn't like that. He's making us just be friends for now. He doesn't believe I can be stable and rational. Even in my emotional instability, I'm always stable. I can always lock in, and I'm aware of myself. He helped me extend my 11 page document. I asked my ex to read it when we were together and I was anxious and stressed about it but he didn't want to. And yet a stranger from hinge would.
He wants me to be my own person in the relationship, that's why he won't date me. He doesn't want me to be a carbon copy of him. No one has wanted that from me before. No one has wanted to help me work on myself. I've tried pushing him away and I even blocked him, but he is okay with it. I haven't left my bed today. I called him from 1am - 6am, and woke up at 1pm. On new years he didn't want me to be alone so he called me. I never thought I would like an american lmao. He's coming back to the UK soon which is nice.

It's been weird. I've been okay, and just that. I haven't really been present at all. It feels like I only come into consciousness every now and then. My mood is uncontrollable completely now. I hope to see a psychiatrist about it soon, to finally end this uncertainty. I was put on a 2.5 year waiting list for autism, and I've now switched providers to hopefully be seen sooner. I for the most part have been feeling like a shell of my former self. Right now however I feel happy so I don't really know how bad it was. I know everyone exists, however when I'm not here I can't. I don't really think anything. I always get scared when I'm happy and I have clarity and a grip on reality. It's very shortlived. I wanted to physically rip my skin off and leave my body. I have felt that before, and remembered upon feeling it again. It's nostalgic and scary. Is it bad to miss when I used to be delusional and see things? It made me happy, I believed in angels, I saw orbs of light. Now I'm not concious most of the time, it's really sad. I mean that in the sense that I'm mentally fading, I'm not present or in control most days. I can only write and convey these things in this state. It makes me cry. I wonder what has happened for me to be this way. I am scared of switching states and forgetting the clarity I feel when I'm here. My head is clear now but I know soon it won't be.
I showered for the first time in ages. I live with the american guy I mentioned before, he doesn't like it when I don't shower. He is nice to me. He sees everything so I hope that he is allowed to come with me to the psychiatrist to tell them anything I forgot. We play games together. I've been writing an essay on Marx in his bed for most of the day. He makes me eat fruit because he knows I would just live off of toast and butter. We butt heads a lot, which I've never experienced before when dating someone. I find him really annoying. He got me a doll for being one month s/h free. We are watching episode 4 of fallout so I have to go now!

I feel frustrated and tired with life itself. I am having previous years repeat in the sense that I feel like I'm crazy and alone. Getting help has been really slow, and it's annoying because there's an array of things it could be (due to symptom overlap) like autism, adhd, bpd, depression etc. My environment isn't helpful either. I had three options: move home and endure mental/emotional abuse, stay at my uni accommodation for another year (unlikely to be let back as I'm no longer a first year), or move in with someone I was originally unsure about. I did the third one. Moving home meant I was going to have to send all of my paychecks to my mum, and work a job I'd be unhappy in. I have struggled with working ever since I started due to the social aspect. It always took a toll on me. Mum isn't the most stable either. It feels like all options I had will lead to me "noping out" eventually. It sucks because I couldn't imagine myself living past 18 for the longest time. Now I'm 19, turning 20 this year, and to comfort myself I have convinced myself that the world will end in 2028. Again, I'm having to rely on coding as a crutch to not commit ..., just like how it was when I started my first website in 2021. It really sucks. My year long hiatus was because for the most part I was happy. I feel myself truly getting bad, potentially slipping back to SH. Whenever I'm sad now, I smoke. I like the feeling of it. I'm always preferred and more palatable when I'm happy. I'm not control of my mood or mind at all anymore. I don't trust my own mind. I moved in with someone I met on hinge. He is nice and he is like me in the sense he is also not normal. I already know I don't truly love people and I'm not sure if he is the same. He is best described as like Tony from skins (S1) without the cheating, which we both agreed upon. I just get annoyed because it feels as if i'm being gaslit. I can't even remember a specific example because my mind is so fucked. I can never tell if I'm genuinely daft and misremembering or if he is using my mind to his advantage and gaslighting me, or at least trying to. Anyways, I have nothing else at all, just him. I don't know if 2021 me would be happy or disheartened. I waited for so long to get help. I bit my tongue growing up and now it feels as if I could explode. I haven't been alone in three months, and now I am for two weeks whilst he is with family in America. I feel really alone and depressed and I know this is also my fault. I've finally gotten what I've always wanted: a boyfriend and best friend. However, I know my emotions and self are heavily dependant on him. I'll never tell him this. I already told him I could have autism or BPD and he knows what that could entail. I genuinely never try to burden anyone, hence I turn to this void. I'm unsure if anyone reads these, and I'm okay with that. Anyways, I have lots of entries to transfer here. I've been barely sleeping since the day he left. I'll be using that extra time to code lots and lots!

My boyfriend threw up this morning and, despite me not coming into contact with it whatsoever, I still felt dirty and viewed him as dirty. It's taken about 9 hours for me to feel okay again. I washed my hands multiple times and rubbed my feet and hands with anti bacterial wipes, but it still wouldn't go away. I wanted to chop my hands off as if they were infected. They didn't feel like mine and the smell of sick lingered on them (I never touched the sick). My boyfriend couldn't touch me without me feeling disgusted or crying. He's convinced I'm a hypochondriac, as his mother is too. I'm unsure. I realise my thoughts are irrational, like how I'm reluctant to eat something I have put back in the fridge after opening it or that I won't eat fruit that is bruised. I don't think these are too bad.
Anyways, I supplied my boyfriend with the BRAT diet (it really is a brat summer). Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast harden stool and are less likely to further upset a stomach. I love love love apple puree pouches (I live off of them). I didn't have enough money to get any for me. I want my own place but I don't have enough money or the drive to work again. I've been working since I was 16 and stopped when I was 19 and a bit. I've been looking for jobs but everything feels so dystopian. You can rinse indeed dry applying to everything and anything, but only hear back from a few out of dozens. I applied for a zero hour contract sunday job, and I know for a fact I'm qualified as I've worked the same job for 3 years. They I don't want to do it anyways, I hate socialising, but to get anything I want I basically have to.

I find everything so boring. Social media is boring. I deleted tiktok and I'm in the process of deleting instagram. I've been trying to watch more youtube videos, however the videos that are recommended to me are either brainrot or some stupid video essay. The last video I saw that I loved was by Marcika tiltled how i quit spotify with an mp3 player. People complain about Gen Alpha being "cooked" due to "brainrot", but a lot of what is available for us is the same. I was thinking of being a streamer for money, even though I haven't watched any streamers and don't really have anything to contribute. I've become completely socially inept. I don't go outside. My boyfriend thinks I'll become like Sheila Jackson from shameless when I'm older. I'd like to be in all honesty. Nothing interests me and I hate having to socialise with people. He made me order for us at subway the other day and I failed. I only go food shopping when they first open from 6am to 8am to avoid people. I would like to be a youtuber maybe, however I only want to use a 2000s camcorder to record my videos. No clickbait thumbnails or crazy editing (like attention grabbing cuts every 2.5 seconds). I wouldn't have a specific genre. I think if anything I would talk about my own mental health and about autism. I was recently diagnosed. My whole life and self made sense after considering the possibility in late 2023.

I've been okay. I went to --- today, and I got a large taro milk tea with strawberry bubbles (I kept the boba cup so I can reuse it at home :P). I also went to a bakery there and got a large custard bun, and it was nice, but it had a bit too much custard in my opinion. I bought some wish me mell post it notes and some reduced suatelier christmas stickers to put in my boyfriend's scrapbook. When I got home, I had recieved my new flare jeans in the mail, and I think they suit my body type a lot more than my typical cargos and baggy jeans. I want to invest in some good combat boots to wear with them. I'm also thinking about buying another pair of them in a different colour. I think my boyfriend should style me, he was the one who prompted me to buy these jeans. Very cool. He wants me to buy the lamoda love sick platform heels, but I'm already tall as it is. I really enjoy wearing white shoes though, so I might get them. Emotionally, I am okay. I have been slipping in and out, but for the most part, it hasn't been as bad as it previously has been. I'm excited for university. I've been given offers from my chosen university, and I've picked it as my firm and insurance option - which basically means I'm guaranteed to go there. I find myself coding more when I'm there, as coding has been something I've used to help me emotionally. I'm not bad now, but when I am, it's easy to reach for the laptop and to code.

I finally feel hopeful for the future. I want to go to University. I want to drive. I want to live in my own space. I still struggle with avolition sometimes, but I'm getting better. I just allow myself to feel on those days, without trying to force myself to do more than I can mentally handle. That's good for me, as it's usually followed by high energy days where I do literally everything that needs to be done, plus more. My boyfriend says I pick myself apart too much, and maybe that's true, but I've always wanted perfection, so the "picking" has always made sense to me. I'm learning day by day how to just exist. I don't need to rush anything, or pick myself apart in the hope to become the "best" version of myself. I just will. It's inevitable. All I really need to do is exist, love, learn and experience. I can change if I want to, but I shouldn't be finding faults where there are none. Even if it is a problem, and I enjoy finding those, I shouldn't be doing it when I already feel bad.
I have learned to enjoy small things over the past 2/3 years. It started with seeing angel numbers, then seeing cats outside, now it's listening to birdsong. I enjoy robin chirps and pigeon coos. I also enjoy watching magpies build nests with their partner. Whilst I can't fully recover just like that, I can find ways to make each day enjoyable. My instagram feed is full of plushies, pink and animals. My bathroom is half cream and half pink, with framed collages adorning my walls. My room, even though it's messy, has little trinkets and things in it that remind me of certain memories. My walls have maps, posters, quotes and paintings embellished on them. Even when I don't end up going to college, I enjoy my time at home.
I don't want to slip in University. To prevent that, I'm currently hoarding cool things that I can take with me. I think you can get charged for damages for hanging stuff up and painting the walls, which I think is depressing in itself. It's okay though, because my utensils, decorations and other stuff will still be cool and cute (and pink). I already have a pink cinnamoroll rug and a love heart bowl. Things like these are also making me happy. I might learn how to sew plushies, as a hobby for university. I tend to get bored of hobbies easily, as they either are too easy or I no longer find joy from them. Luckily for me, I gain a bunch of skills each time though. I used to have a sewing machine when I was 11, as a result of this. I thought I'd be interested in it forever, but it was only fleeting. I know that sewing plushies won't last, but I will still enjoy the outcome of it, even if it only lasts for a few weeks.

It's been a long one. Coding was the one thing in my life i was interested in, and essentially kept me going. And now it isn't. I'm recollecting monster high dolls like how I did as a kid, I dress similar to one in my free time. I enjoy expressing myself through my clothes now, but I'm currently trying to build a good alternative winter wardrobe. I'm 19, and in university, however I haven't been able to successfully transition to it. I'm bunking lectures due to their lack of excitement, they only seem to go through powerpoint slides, which I'm able to do on my own. I think people are only here for the degree at the end, and I think university is romanticised too much. I hope to get back into coding again. I took a break due to my lack of ideas and contentment with the layout of it all. I know there are things I can improve on and add, and I intend to do so. I hope you've all been well.

I now have 45 minute online therapy sessions weekly which has been quite helpful. I use betterhelp.com because of it's affordability, they can't officially diagnose you, but they can refer you to the appropriate places/resources to help. I have been told I have social anxiety, whilst being at uni it has greatly worsened, however I feel like it's always been there. It's gotten to the point where I have been avoiding going to the kitchen, as I share an accommodation with 10 other people, and genuinely there's never a time where someone isn't in there. I have gone in at 4am one time to make myself toast but there was someone in there. My avoidance has caused me to not cook food for myself whatsoever, since september (2 months). I just eat meal deals, instant noodles and instant pasta. I have a little travel kettle, drink out of water bottles and wash all of my dishes in my room. I do want to get better, but I also have no interest in talking to my flatmates, I can tell they aren't my people whatsoever. I regret going to my university, the people on my course are pretty bland. My boyfriend's uni seems more lively and also there's more people there that I can see myself being friends with (nerds). I also think that I could have autism, but I'm unsure. A lot of people have told me that I could have it. My friends are neurodivergent, as well as my boyfriend, and his friends. I think it's unlikely that I'm just a neurotypical person that always seems to befriend neurodivergent people. Like I think there would be a greater mix if I was NT. Maybe this is just a weird perception I have.
To overcome my lack of socialisation in these 2 months, this week I impulsively booked a bunch of events to help me socialise and also keep myself occupied. Besides collecting dolls, I don't really have any hobbies (coding but I kind of fell off of it for under a year or so). So thursday night I went to a kpop night at a night club and it was really fun. At first I struggled to do anything, but after half an hour or so I sat next to 2 girls who were 20 and 21, and we ended up dancing the whole night. I walked back by myself after, but I called my boyfriend so its okay. I do depend on him quite a bit, he makes me feel so safe and loved, but I know I have to also have independent interests from him. Since I coded in ages, I haven't updated here as much. We went to see twice together in September which was really cool. I've booked a concert to go to alone this year as well, to hopefully meet people. I don't have a problem in my confidence of speaking, it's just I don't have much to say/ask people. I can quite easily pop off about my own interests, but I'm not good at holding conversations with others. I find it hard to relate to people in the first place, and when I do find a similar interest between us, I can't expand on it and create a conversation from it (or at least a longer one I would feel satisfied with). I'm going to pub nights alone soon too, at a pub that seems to attract alternative people, to hopefully befriend them, as my uni has none. None whatsoever!! Where are they hiding?? I started uni wearing my dark in love dresses, and other fun clothes (of which I hope to make a page about soon), and I was essentially outcast from everyone else. I'm the last to be picked in groups and no one really wants to talk to me, which I haven't experienced in a while. It's still the case now, but it's winter so I'm just wearing the same outfit everyday like an NPC. That's a thing too, I tend to just wear the same outfits all the time, I know for a fact I was viewed as an NPC in college because I always wore the same exact outfit. I enjoy doing so really.
I do enjoy economics. I think people I tend to meet view it as quite an evil subject to study which is understandable, however I think it can also be the right push towards leftism. I'm not really well politically versed, but I know that I hate the current world systems and norms. I think it's funny that a majority of the people on my course are very sigma male millionaire grindset andrew tate ass wipes, and chose economics as a way of becoming canary wharf crypto forex finance bros. Most of my lecturers, and my college teacher are left wing, and I'm assuming that's a result of learning economics, like truly, not just from a capitalist brainwashed perspective. I want to hopefully do good with my degree at the end of it all, maybe working as a researcher? I'm still unsure.

I've retyped this line about 5 times so far as I'm not really sure how to make it coherent. I love the idea of love. I used to daydream a lot about being in relationships, and I still do, just not with the same naive rose coloured lenses. I have always wanted to meet someone that just gets me, someone I could go to and fit well with. Others seem to think I'm extroverted and confident, when really it's just a facade to get people to like me. When I go back to my normal state, people think I'm depressed. As soon as my own insecurities slip through from behind the mask, people become almost shocked, and I don't get why. My relationship patterns are abnormal, probably because that's how I grew up. I get close to people to then alienate myself from them. I've done it to 2 different friend groups, online friends and exes. I love the idea of love, but when it comes to it, I don't think I can love someone. I want to be loved without having to love back. I'm exhausted with trying to love. When I get crushes, they're not just crushes. I become obsessed, and it consumes me. I lose myself. In romantic relationships, I give 110%. I exert all of my energy into that person. I have an idealised version of how people should be when in relationships - typical leo venus. Jokes aside, it has made me ignore blatent red flags and gotten into situations where I was being used.

I've been MIA for a bit. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like ages to me. I still love coding, it's just that I end up comparing myself constantly to others that it consumes me, which is weird, because I rarely do that irl. Lately I've been trying to improve myself, rather than ignoring myself to code. I've got a weekly planner thing, and I've successfully done a day. I feel really motivated because of it. I've been waking up at 5, playing otome games (notibly soul of yokai), walking my dog and then reading until 7. I then do my usual morning routine for college. Yesterday, I bought 4 new t-shirts which is good, because I usually wear the same few on rotation, sort of like a cartoon character. I got home and made a dish I lazily call "tuna rice", which I also lazily make. It's tuna, rice, scrambled egg, kale, mushrooms, sweetcorn and whatever vegetables I find in the fridge. I might start an online collection of recipes, some of my own, and others "borrowed" but credited. I also want to make a lists page, because I want to make TV show, games, otome games, and book trackers. Also I just love a good list. I've been reading A Quiet Mind by Shoukei Matsumoto, and I love it so much!! I loved his book A Monk's Guide to a Clean House and Mind. I prefer reading non fiction books to be honest. People I know always try to get me to read novels, but I've never really been interested in them. Maybe I have a quite linear approach to things, but in my mind TV is for entertainment and books are for learning. I love being absorbed in a good book. I tend to read a lot of self help, psychology, business, economics and religious books. I am buzzing! Anyways, I think that's it for today. I may or may not update this website soon, idk. I hope you have a great day!!

Self-discipline is the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses, according to the oxford dictionary. I am a master of procrastination and my most used phrase is "tomorrow". I've grown up not really needing it, I do what I want whenever I want. It doesn't help that I go through depressive slumps either. I'm okay now, but I guess everything I've been doing during these on and off slumps have become habits. I can't keep my room clean and I'm not very good at taking care of myself. I neglect myself a lot, only getting ready when I have to go somewhere. It takes me months to pluck up the courage to book doctor's appointments. I've gotten a lot better with dealing with negative thoughts about myself, but I guess how I feel about myself isn't being reflected into my daily life. I would also like to have goals, as I don't think I've had any for years.
I used to find it hard to make it to the end of the day. I constantly struggled with bad thoughts. As much as I'd like to set goals, I find it hard to think further than a month in the future. I impulsively spend money and make unneeded risks. There's still so much that I need to improve on, but I'm happy with my progress. What helped me do this was investing time in my hobbies. I started coding, as well as starting an online journal (that sadly went with my old website), where I listed small things that made my day, vented my feelings and ranted about my favourite things. I'm ashamed to say that I treated the journal almost as a friend, as I have none that I can openly talk to like that. It's what worked for me, and made me feel slightly happier than when I started. I also restarted my plushie collection, started doing spell work, improved my tarot interpretations and watched anime, all things that I enjoy. I've been thinking about who I am, and I'm happy because I'm getting a better idea of myself now. Finding out about myself, the good and the bad parts, has made me happier to be me. I love my body now, I'm really pretty. I'm still not used to not dressing in baggy ill fitting clothes, but we're doing baby steps.
Now here's the part I wanted to note down. The only time I've truly set my mind to something, was on here. When I wrote out my promise on here, I stuck to it. I forced myself to be better and to live. Maybe that's just my way of escaping the possibility that I didn't truly want to leave, and it was something to cling on to, if that makes any sense. Regardless, I'm trying again. Here's a few of my goals I'm working towards: taking better care of myself, taking better care of my environment, becoming more proud of who i am and what i like, saving money for the future - think of the long term benefits (and consequences) rather than the short term gains and thinking about the future. I'm going to force myself to achieve these, to show that I do love myself and that I'm worthy of being cared for. It's time for me to invest in myself fully.

I want to meet more people like me, as narcissistic as that sounds. I don't relate to anyone, and it's pretty tiresome. I thrived for 5/6 years as the extroverted, loud and funny friend, but now I'm not. I'll admit I'm not as social as I used to be, but I know I haven't got less funny. The jokes aren't hitting the same. Maybe it's the fact I matured at a young age and now I'm having a sort of backwards growth, everyone around me is becoming more serious whilst I still find childish things funny. All I want is to find my people, people that get me. I used to want to chase the idea of being loved, and the idea of a singular soulmate, but that's way too basic. I don't need to be loved by someone else, I guess now I just want to feel seen. I feel so isolated even when I'm with people, and I'm losing the energy to speak to them, because it's obvious that we don't relate to each other at all. I used to be fine with that. I never cared because as long as I made them laugh it was okay. It brought us together, despite our differences. I don't think it's possible for me to physically isolate myself as I've done multiple times before, because I'd only feel more lonely. Maybe I am an extrovert to an extent. Whenever I try to be, I burn out. Whenever I used to try to take care of myself and become more intoverted, I constantly hoped that someone else would take the burden off of me and love me instead. Now, I just want to be recognised, validated even. Thinking about it makes me want to cry and scream. But as I've said before, this is all a selfish narcissistic request, because I have no intention to reciprocate. I've dealt with so many other people constantly taking my time, energy and love, that I want to make a selfish request like this. Is it too much to be the one that is persued? The first choice? I don't mean this in a romantic context either, I've already killed the hopeless romantic that was in me. Writing like this is making me happy, despite having a tear dampened face. It reminds me of my previous website's journal section. I should rename this as a journal, because that's what it basically is. No structure or point to my vents and rants, just vibes. I also assume it's what people looked at the most. Another human's emotions, thoughts and patterns scattered and displayed in a body of text. I don't think I genuinely enjoy coding, but more of the fact I can write down my thoughts like this. I've never really been able to keep a journal all that well, and I know that only sad thoughts like these would adorn the pages, so why bother. At least here I can whack random ass graphics here and call it mine.

I feel like that one robot arm that scrapes the red liquid. Like I've spent 2 years trying to heal and it's just becoming repetitive. I can't see any results and i just feel :/

Tb to when I was described as a landmine in a field of flowers and that genuinely has been the only unique complement (even if it's backhanded) that I've ever received

I’m so happy!! I feel so motivated. On Tuesday/Wednesday I started decluttering my room. My desk is way more spacious and aesthetically pleasing. Yesterday (Thursday), my free prints came, of aesthetic things from pinterest. Today (Friday), I even woke up at 5am, and went on a run with my dog. I’m so happy. After watching Samurai Matcha’s morning routine on YouTube, I spent the morning cleaning my room and having a shower. I’ve been watching more minimalism videos on YouTube, and I know that my best self is a minimalist. I only want things that are well made, durable and useful, eg. instead of buying cheap shoes that’ll break after a few uses, I’ll buy either second hand or from a brand. I also think that if I can’t be arsed to clean something, then I shouldn’t have it. It makes sense as I have no respect/value for the item. I’m so happy to have become more motivated, focused and productive. I also listen to a lot of Ariana Grande now, where she sings about manifesting and being happy. Thank you Universe for bringing me on the path to being my best self.

Earlier i heard my mum shout mya angrily so i ran down stairs and no one was there #hehe

I want him to beg cry and scream to have me but then i remember he isn't fcked in the head and has a normal outlook on relationships. I want his attention and only his. I'm not regressing to how i was I'm just writing this to let it out. I feel weird that he isn't se/ualising me or even entertaining se/ual conversations. He can like me without me being viewed as an object? He is so cool

Feeling empty when we don't speak, or speak as much as I'd like us to. I don't like this feeling, having my mood change depending on how the person I'm interested in treats me. I like myself but it's taking the p!ss now. I h4te not knowing how to change myself. I know I've always done this, but it's a bit hard to change without testing it out, and now i have a person to test it on, idk what to do. I don't want to only feel happy when he messages me. I h4te feeling like this.

Finally realised that i love malachite, i was originally scared to have it bc it made my heart beat really fast, but it's fun now. It's literally the 1st of September !! We're in autumn and it's literally the best month. And Thursdays are cool, ily jupiter. Realised I'm literally aphrodite's child, i was born on a friday

It’s been a while. I love my life. I’m turning 18 on Saturday. I’ve been speaking to a guy named Eli. We’ve agreed to start studying together, which I’m super excited for. He’s a sagittarius. He’s pretty and nerdy, he’s super cool. I’ve been speaking to him since the 13/08/22, and we’ve called x2 so far (on saturday and on monday). I’m excited to turn 18. I’m excited to live again. I want to live and grow. I need to think about what I should let go of, as my 18th birthday falls upon the full (harvest) moon in pisces. Today I went shopping with my mum, and I got a nice black and white dress from Zara to wear on my birthday.

Life is great. I started talking to a guy called Eli, and he’s really cool. He takes an interest in what I say, and we call for hours at a time. The moon is currently in Aries, and he’s been sending me good night moon pictures, which makes me super happy. And yesterday (Monday 12/09/22), we played fall guys together. He gave me butterflies because he kept using my name in conversations, so I’m going to use his more. We’ve decided on going to London, potentially in the October half term or the Christmas holidays (meaning I can get him a birthday present). Thank you, Universe, for blessing me with Eli, he’s amazing!

lmao

When I had last put an entry on here, I also wrote one for the archives, about being anxiously attached and overly obsessed still, even though I'm in a healthy relationship. It's in the archives as I want to seperate my normal journal and writings from my depressive, spiraling, or obsessive self. I was crying to my boyfriend that day about it all, about how stuck I feel. I always kind of assumed it was the people I was with, but now I'm with someone that actively reassures his love for me, and I still find myself to be anxiously attached. Upon repeatedly listening to Caroline Polachek's Desire, I want to turn into you, her latest album, I feel reassured that I'm not alone with these kind of feelings. Someone else can actually relate to me with this. It's not often that I actually listen to lyrics or relate to them even. In January 2022, I had found Caroline Polachek's Hey Big Eyes, and I really liked the George Clanton remix as well as the original. I, regrettably, didn't listen to much of the rest of her discography, until the release of DIWTTIY on February 14th this year.
I equally enjoy all of her songs from this album. I have found myself relating the most to crude drawing of an angel and butterfly net, as they all talk about fears/insecurities I've frequently had. The song crude drawing of angel reminds me of my own idolisation towards my love interests, and my fear that they'll eventually leave me. I draw my own pictures of them, feeling "scorny" (lol). I also have tended to use vulnerability and being sexual as a way of trying to get them to stay. I have had bad obsessive thoughts before, regarding love interests. I heavily relate to the lines, "draw the wings from your back, I'll not be shy, no, I'll not be gentle with you". The recurring theme of closeness also makes me happy. The line in blood and butter "closer than your new tattoo" reminds me of my own overwhelming feelings of wanting to be with someone, it being so strong in my body that I want to get under their skin. I also want to know everything about that person. I had been seeing 2:22 on most of the songs from her album, when I had randomly checked my phone. This also made me happy, as I had previously said, it was something that was making me upset, and whilst I don't know how to solve it, it's okay, there are many other people that are fearful of the future, like me.

24/02/23

My biggest flex atm is being on levi ryan's last.fm as his 3rd most scrobbled scrobbler. I love my little underground american boy. I desperately need to keep listening to his songs because if he blows up i will be flexing and gloating so hard. I will literally gatekeep so hard idc. The world needs to know that i liked him before he was popular. He needs to be my top on spotify wrapped so i can tag him and then he'll realise im his no.1 fan and he'll come to the UK so that i can see him live and get vip access and a signature and an operation wondering soul tshirt bc i missed the drop and wasn't willing to pay shipping.

02/08/23

I only really write down my dreams when they're creepy or super complex :3

Freud explain this one 🤨 welcome back to dreams that should be traumatising (most of my dreams are). Today's dream started off with me coming down some high long steps into what is meant to be london but skewed. I was wearing my grey pyjama hoodie thing (like the pink one nadine has) and i had my puffer jacket over it. I think i was trying to be disguised as a man and it worked bc a gang of men came up to me wanting to fight (bc I'm a man duh) but then pulled my hood down realised i was a woman and started beating me up and tried to force himself on me whilst the others watched. I was trying to call my dad to come and help me but i couldn't do it in time (then i had a mental dream rant as to why the emergency settings on phones actually aren't that helpful in reality) and luckily noah drove to me and helped me (but this is him grown up i think even though I'm the same age as i am now). Ik there was more to the dream but i can't remember it other than i had walked up the big steps during the day and when i had left it was the late evening.

Loved last nights dream. Dreamt of having a "carpet snake" but it looked like a honduran milk snake. It was tiny and harmless, it was my pet and i loved it. I fed it carpet chunks and apparently it was vegan in the dream

Dream log time. I was in a car park in a van eating junk with strangers but they were meant to be family. Wemt to find a recycle bin and there were 2 girls kept talking to me and following me, i ended up in their van and i discovered that they were trying to kidnap me and harvest me. Majority of the dream was me trying to run away. But no matter how much i ran another obsticle appeared. First i thought i was outside but it turns out i was in an outdoor facility for harvesting, and then i went inside and was exposed to some chemical that reacted to your skin as air hit it, then i tried to go on the outside around the walls but it was steep and covered in trees. I got round but was found and followed by one of the chasers and the wall ended up leading back into the outdoor part of the facility. I was then found by the main chaser and she got a guy blindfolded to try and shoot me. When he kept missing she took it off and he kept trying to shoot me. He shot me in the left arm. The bullets were tiny plastic balls. I ran backwards away from him. The main chaser started sprinting towards me with an American football suit on and tried to tackle me. When i was caught i woke up. Before this i also had a dream i had to make white garments for my siblings (dream npcs) bc it was our mums funeral but i only made 1 and no one appreciated it.

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This is just a more serious lil bit so I can explain terms and a bit about myself for context.